There It Goes Again

There it goes again
By Rachelle Star


There it goes again,
Watch it beat and flow,
What is that pain that resides in me?
That movement,
That repetition I thought was broken,
I hear the ticking,
Wishing it would stop,
Life is so much better when not feeling,
Not needing,
Fake breathing,
Can we play pretend?
This is how it is going to end?
Pleasure,
Love,
This can't go unseen,
Why can't we go back to not feeling?
She's coming to life again,
I can feel her creeping in,
Not sure how to let this start,
Thinking it should stop,
Worried of what all it is to come,
Hoping to just let you go,
There it goes again,
Those stings,
Picking me up again,
Those strings,
Making that noose again.

Referring to, "Just a Memory" Post...

It is sort of amazing that I wrote that when I was so young, that I felt an emptiness after my grandmothers passing and felt like no one else could fill it. But I was wrong. The jerk that I always talk about on here, that boy who I loved for a really long time and was with but treated me at times pretty badly... he was sadly the one I let into that space of my heart. I discovered this when he finally left, it was the exact same feeling when my grandmother passed away. I went through all the stages of death after that relationship because there was a death. It was me. Now, I am not a ghost typing this, but I really did die both of those nights. They changed me. But one thing that he helped me realize is that, that emptiness could be filled. So since ending that part of me, I went on a search for something I lost - myself. 

I found greatness in me, that I had no idea was inside me. I even told him one day, thank you for letting me go (he hated that btw). I owe him nothing but a thank you for doing that one final thing to me. I discovered how strong I am, and beautiful. Before three years ago, if you were to say, hey you are gorgeous, I would have smiled and laughed. I never saw me, until I started putting back together all the pieces and adding new ones to my puzzle. 

So anyways that is my little add in right there... 

I thought it was just something important to add in. 

Love, 

Rachelle Star 

Diet of Hope

I started this 6 weeks ago. I am now on Phase 2 and am so excited for the accomplishments I have been able to do. But I am also excited for what is to come! They teach you portion control, give you menus to follow, and are amazing people - they are all so supportive. If you fall, they do not look down at you, they know it is hard to change how you eat, start working out almost everyday and stop thinking about food. For once in my life, I actually have hope that I will finally get to where I want to be weight and body wise. It is exciting, and I can't wait for my results in Phase 2! 

Here are my results of Phase 1:
BMI went from 35.1 to 32.5
I lost 14 pounds
Body fat went from 37.6 to 35.2
Waist = lost 4inches
Belly = lost about 4 inches
Hips = lost almost 5 inches
My labs all came back better, so I am now much healthier than I was before. I was pre-diabetic and now I am not. 

Just a Memory (November 26, 1999)

I wrote this in 2004 for a class. It was a memory essay we had to write about. I lost a dear friend, my grandmother on November 26, 1999. It is still one memory I have not forgotten, a lot before this date and especially in a few years past it are blurry. But that day, that night, my world had changed forever. I was just 8 years old and I already knew death close and personal. It took a long time to get over it, forget and forgive who took her away. I grew up a lot after it, and thankfully it did not destroy me but rather, like a lot of big moments (good or bad) of my life, I took what I needed to learn and I worked through it. It may take me a while to get over things, but the part I am proud of, is... yes,  I feel it, and at times I still get angry or sad, but I move on. I let it go. I don't let the people I loved go, but I just let things be and go on from there. I wrote this to try and help me, and actually it did. I am not saying that my loss is any more than someone else's but this is how I deal with things. I write or paint them out.

Here's my paper:

I remember the day that my grandma got killed and my grandpa got put in the hospital. But the one I remember the most, [is] death. My grandma's death happened 4 years ago, the day after one of the funniest holidays of the year - Thanksgiving, the day you really enjoy yourself with family and friends. Now when Thanksgiving comes around each year, for my family and me it is no longer a time of fun with family or a time of thanksgiving. I am telling this story about my grandma's death to help me get these memories out of my head.

November 26th, 1999 started out like any other day for me, nothing seemed different from any other day. The people seemed the same, just like any other day in my eight year old life. I was excited because my mom was taking me over to play at my best friend Amanda's house for the afternoon. Just before my mom and I were ready to leave my grandma called my mom on her cell phone and asked my mom if she could leave the movie my mom had told my grandma about outside on the door handle in a plastic bag for her and my grandpa to pick up. The movie was about a lady who was dying [A Walk to Remember, actually]. We put the movie on the handle and left for Amanda's house.

After we were at Amanda's for a few hours my mom got a call from the a lady at the hospital who said that my grandma and grandpa had gotten in an accident [which I did not know at the time] and she should go there as soon as possible. When my mom got back from the hospital several hours later, she was crying and every upset. She took me in her arms and told me that my grandma had died and that my grandpa was hurt very badly when their car was hit by another car. She said they had operated on grandpa and he would probably be alright but grandma had gone to heaven. I felt like I would never stop crying because I had lost the best friend I had ever had.

Since that day I have never been the same. I isolated myself from my friends and my family for the rest of the fourth grade. It still hurts, almost five years later the same way it hurt that night my mom told [me] she had died. Her death [is] still with me everyday and I feel like this pain and suffering will never go away. The space that my grandma filled in my heart is still empty. She stole a part of my heart when she died and it feels like a big black hole that no one can fill. She was my best friend and just like that she was gone.

When [you lose] one of your family members, someone your very close to, that is a day you never forget. The day my grandma died is one of those days, for me, a memory that I wish I could just forget.

Ending
I dedicate this story to my grandma,
To myself,
My family,
And to all of those people who know how I feel.

My grandma died the day after Thanksgiving, On November 26th, 1999 at 6:27pm

The Letter I found titled, "Dear my 12th self"

I am writing this letter pretty much exactly how it is on paper, so it stays my 8th grade self.

"I think eighth grade has been the best year of my life. No one this year has been mean to me and the one's that were mean everyday just don't even talk to me [anymore]. This was the year I lost most of my weight and I am pretty. People can't talk shit about me. I'm still quiet, and one things changed, I've gotten all straight A's this year. I love my homebase teacher, Mr. Bohland (he's syko). He is a really good pre-algebra teacher. I've gotten straight A's in his class.

HB Mr. Bohland
1st Mr. Bohland - Pre-Algebra
2nd Ms. Kalal - Science
3rd Mrs. Friend - Yearbook
4th Mrs. Friend - Yearbook
5th Mrs. Blomquist - Social Studies
6th Mrs. Montgomery - Language Arts
HB Mr. Bohland

My family life is a lot better than a lot of my friends. I have a loving mommy and a annoying (but I love him) grampa.

My friends are Nicole (Nicola - bff);Vicky (Victoria) (bff); Hope(Less) ; Henry and a lot others.

Sixth grade was one of the years I was still dealing with my gramma's death and skool and people did not help. People made fun of me my whole life and I had enough I bullied kids thinking it would ease my pain but it didn't and thought it would make people not make fun of me but it didn't it only got worse.

Seventh grade was when I started losing weight. I was quiet and hid behind my hair which hid more than my face, it hid my feelings. I dressed like a boy; I didn't really bully anyone that year. Suicide thoughts ran through my head around the end of the skool year.

6th and 7th grade was not all that bad its just I was sick of living and people not caring about what they said to me. It hurts to feel that.

I guess thats why I listen to people and try to help them because I know pain mentally. And why I have weird friends that have problems at home and do bad things.

This year (2006) in May I went to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico and went to RIU Palace - Resort Hotel (four star hotel) me and my mom's room # was 1047 it was awesome I hope to never forget.

I think I'll be graduating high skool. Getting straight A's and having a wonderful life. Have a scholarship to college and have my dreams come true. Be the same inside but different on the outside (beautiful, sexy and smart) have a boyfriend, be popular and weird.

Love ya,
Rachelle Star
Time finished 2:28pm
Date Monday, May 22, 2006"


It is sort of crazy to read this again, especially the ending, I had such high hopes for life 8th grade and I am really happy I did, because the rest of my life before that, I didn't look forward to anything and I was sad all the time.

But if I could write to her (my 8th grade self). I think she would be more than proud. This is essentially what I would write to her. And I think everyone should do this write a note to yourself, put it away and then forget and find it one day, read it and see how much has changed.

"Dear my 8th grade self,

I am so glad that you made it through all those things that you just merely touched on in your letter that bothered you. I am glad you made it this far. But just so you know, you graduated high school in 2010, and you got almost all straight A's and graduated with a GPA of like 3.8, you had a pretty wonderful high school experience and choosing drama as your elective was the best thing you ever did for yourself. You got more than one scholarship to college and you even got mostly A's there too, with a GPA of 3.7 and graduated with Magna Cum Laude with a Theatre education degree. You don't have a boyfriend right now (it might happen soon), but you have had a few. I would say that over all you are pretty "popular" and like to go out with your friends. I will admit that you probably are a bit strange still but that is perfectly okay! And the one thing I know you wanted to be was beautiful, sexy and smart, just like the drawings you used to draw and hope you would be like. You are all those things and your brain thinks you are too. You have confidence now and shine wherever you go because you always strive for the best. But just so you know something big has changed since then, your favorite thing to wear, are dresses and you love doing everything girlie like nails and makeup. You go to the gym and can do so much that you weren't able to do then. I am proud of you.

Love,
Your College Graduate Self
Rachelle Star
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Finish Time: 11:46am"

How this all started.

I have recently found a letter that I wrote when I was in the 8th grade. It was written for my 12th grade self. I will have to post it but it is pretty amazing what was also with it. A poem I had written about being a "misunderstood adolescent" (lol). A short essay I had written about my grandmother, her death and my experience, I will actually be posting that as well. Then I found the paper I had written that actually named this blog for me. Inside my Mind, was actually a short essay for a art magazine in my middle school. But there was another part to this title. The whole title was, Inside My Mind: Feeling Like A Nobody. That was an amazing find because I thought I had no more copies of it. I am glad that I found it too because I actually wanted to add to it the rest of the story; my story. I am mostly posting all this on here so that I don't loose it, it is an amazing part of me and I want to make sure that I don't forget it. When I read some of my old poems and papers, I am reminded of how far I have gotten, where I am now and how thankful I got to where I am.

I will post more later!

Love,

Rachelle Star

I am so sorry that I went away but things have been getting a little hectic...

You can always tell when things don't seem to go well in my life, and I have no idea who reads or even if you are reading and I am just merely talking to myself which is how this all started.

What has been going on in my life? 

Well, a lot actually. 

I graduated from my University with Magna Cum Laude. So I now I have degree and certification to work in the field that I love Theatre and most importantly, I get the chance to teach and share it, since my degree is in education as well. 

There is a lot of change happening, and at first I was not pleased with it, but I have come to realize that maybe it needs to happen. I started a new life change, where you work on you essentially and learn how to eat better, because I have also discovered that I am a addict to food (yes it really does exist) because when I went on this "diet" I realized just how much I was dependent on food, and I realize that you cannot live without eating, but you don't have to eat everything off your plate or go get seconds. I also realized my dependence on carbs and starches in my meals, I have cut that down dramatically and I believe that I feel actually a lot better now. I have also stopped (for now) eating sugar and also having a lower sodium diet. It is definitely hard but so far I have managed to have great success with it and it is a learning, slow process but I think over all it will be worth it in the end. It is called the Diet of Hope. I am actually on my 5th week, when I am finished with this first part, I will announce my weight loss in this 6 week program. And then I will be able to introduce other foods very soon. But I will admit, I have cheated on it, but sometimes you just have to, or it might come back to haunt you (it does that to me anyways). I also have been trying to go the gym almost everyday for AT LEAST 30 minutes. I am really enjoying it! 

On the animal front, I have now 4 pets, My two cats, Asian and Oz (he is the new addition). Then I have my dog, Echo. And now I have a little 11 month ferret named Mr. Parker because he climbs his cage literally like Spiderman. It is fun to have another ferret causing chaos in the house again; I missed it. The amazing thing is all the animals play with Mr. Parker, especially Oz. 

And oh, I have sort of something (maybe) happening in the love department, besides me actually dating again, and not just having little flings that go nowhere. I will not say his name, but I have known him for a while now, and we actually stopped talking for like a year and a half, then one day out of the blue he messaged me and asked if I would want to go somewhere with him and his friends. He is a gentleman, and that is something I am not used it. Like honestly really nice, when we started hanging out a long time ago, I had just been with that guy I write about a lot on here... So I was not in the best of sorts and just ignored the signs, just wanted a friend. I am glad that he seemed to not forget me and still wanted to pursue me because I want to try it. I need to try it, maybe who knows, it will work out. But I just know that I need someone that wants me in that way. I miss it. So maybe this will turn into something, at least that is my wish. I think my grampa would be happy about it, he always liked him. I know he likes me too, or at least he finds me attractive cause he told me he does. Some good solid base to work on! :) 

I will be getting back into this I am sorry for leaving like that. 

Love, 

Rachelle Star 

I have come to realize...

I know I write about one guy in particular a lot... (the guy I was with for about 7 years on a off and still to this day affects me).

But a friend of mine asked me, "Why put so much in someone that was so wrong and treated you like you were just like every other girl in this world?"

And that just stuck with me today as I thought about it, it made a lot of sense... why do I do that to myself even though I know the outcome? Why did I allow myself to fall and become so frail in one man's shadow that frankly taught me the fucked up and tangled love.

Today was a little weird. I saw a friend that I have not spoken to in about 4 years. He was a great friend in high school but he, like me, let a man fuck him up. He let his boyfriend become his world and even dropped everyone around him, (that's something I didn't do but it actually happens a lot more than it should). But when my Grandfather died this year, his mother came to the funeral and gave me a letter saying he was sorry and to reconnect with him. Today was his brother's birthday, and both I and my friend got a chance to see what happens. He started crying and told me and my other friend (who was there, that he dropped also) that he was sorry. But over all today was interesting and fun, it was also strange cause I had not been at his parent's house since high school.

I finally got to tell him how he made me feel though since I was the last girl he dated before coming out. I got to tell him how he was my 4th grade crush and how I was so happy to finally get him my senior year of high school and go to prom with him and how two days later, he dumped me and told me he was gay. I still wish that things had turned out differently, but I am glad that he finally found out who he was but I just wish it wasn't at my expense, because my ego sort of took a little hit that day.

He found that same, fucked up love. The one that just turns you inside out and makes you question who you really are when they are done with you.

With Valentines coming up, that soreness becomes more apparent for me. Keeping busy helps but it still slightly stings. I talked to my ex, he still doesn't believe in Valentines day and I felt bad for his girl, and for the first time, happy that he broke up with me because I can have a chance one day at finding someone who actually cares 110%. So no matter how much I might write sad things, I feel that I am making some progress in my mental state.

That's all I got right now,
Rachelle Star

Inner Demons that I have...

I have alway had some type of depression ever since I was about 8 years old. I thought I had it all figured out, and then somewhere along the way, I just started breaking. I fell to pieces in these last two years and when I start to get a feel for it, something else happens.

Hey, it's life, right? But it doesn't mean it hurts any less or fuck with my head. My mind used to be such a great place to be for me, and now it is almost like that is the one place I wish I could get away from. My head just fucks with me, my life and everyone inside of it.

I watch Netflix at home, 24/7 to not let the silence get to me, but it still does sometimes, like today. Just days where I want to cry, because I don't know what to do anymore.

"Stay positive," "things will be okay," sayings like this running around me, and I try to listen to happy music even. How can someone get into your own head and just turn all of your emotions into one shitty pile, so you become alienated and start to wonder what is a dream and what isn't.

I feel alone, even though I am not. But it just seems to be getting worse and worse and I am running out of fuel, but not to worry, I think suicide is one of the worst things to do to your loved ones and to yourself, so I will find another way to resolve these inner conflicts.

Thanks for reading.
Rachelle Star

PS. I thought I would say that I have been one this diet and meal change for two weeks and I have lost 6 pounds thus far. My life isn't bad, I just wish my head would let me enjoy it.

So this Herbalife stuff.

I have been doing this health kick, called Herbalife. Now here's some back story of my "diets..." My first diet to ever be put on was when I was 10 years old, I grew up in a home where everyone was skinny and they would make it known that I was the chubby one of the family. I have been on about 40 different diets since then, I can name only a few of them because the most ridiculously named ones I can for some reason not remember them. HCG (when it first came out officially and the calorie count was about 500 a day), Atkins diet (all of them), and Dr. Kuazman and some magic pills. All of these I saw weight just drop off, but they did not prepare me for when I would be without them.

I have been on Herbalife for about 4 months now, and I can just say, I have seen inches, go down, but not weight too much (which is good, even though I want to loose weight sooner or later), I am now on a real life change of eating (which the nutrition club I joined gave me) it comprises of eating 6 small meals a day, and actually I am eating my last one right now, a protein bar.

I've only been on this new meal change for about a week and a day but I really like it and thought it would be a lot harder than it actually was to change. I actually find it a lot better, because I am just, right in hunger and not constantly full. This has already been showing that I sleep better without a full stomach and I feel as if my metabolism is responding well to it.

I know though, for a fact that I used to get dizziness, nausea, migraines, and even was sick for about 5 months before my friend showed this. My doctors did every type of test but found nothing, and more and more all those problems just went away and my doctors are astonished how healthy I now am compared to how I was in just a few months.

I mean it could just be mental, but I seriously can't wait to see what happens in the next few months.

Oh and I re-dyed my hair again! Its more blue and more wonderful, but just in the right places.

Thanks for reading!
Rachelle Star

Before I forget,

Last night, I had a sort of awakening, even since my ex, I found out that I had shut myself down essentially. I am not sure how I did it, but its so hard for me to feel anything and it sucks but with my grandfather's passing and how hard I cried. I just knew that I was just holding this wall up inside of me and was not letting anything come through. 

Its amazing how much you can lose yourself in someone, and sometimes not even notice the whole damage and toll they have taken on you. 

But, there is this friend of mine that, really made me discover a few things. I hung out with him and we watched a movie at his place. He kissed me. At first this made me confused and I was not sure what to think. By the end of the night, I kissed him before leaving (and don't worry only kissing happened). But the thing is, I forgot what that was like. He was the first guy, I honestly felt right kissing in a long time and I just let myself go, relax and breathe. It was amazing. 

And it left me, honestly, wanting more moments with him. Which, I did not expect but am glad he was so brave. 

I told you in previous posts that this was seeming like a year of new men and it is. But please don't take me for going around a lot, cause I don't at all. And I make that known to all the men have ever been interested in. And he respects that. And I have no idea what is going to happen in the future, but I feel like this is a good starting point and I am really happy that I am starting to try and open my heart up again, because I am tired of being this uptight and structured, always hiding behind my work, trying to forget, when I should be trying to remember: its okay to feel. 

Thanks for reading. 

Rachelle Star 

So here's my update...

The play, I am still writing it currently, and I apologize for that, some events have happened and its been a little tough to catch up.

Since my last post:

I started student teaching, that has been very exciting and fun, which I have been needing lately.

I lost someone very dear to me, on the morning of January 1st this year. My grandfather, aka gramps, or papa, as I would like to call him. He died at 95 and a half. He was the only man that never left me, always loved me (even though he hardly told me).

I miss my grampa a lot but I know that is selfish of me because he is in a better place now (yes, I believe in heaven). He's with my other favorite person, my grandmother. We had a great run though, he would always pick me up from school, write me notes, and encourage me to do well in school. He did a lot of things, he let my mom and I move in when we needed help.

My mom and I took care of him. This past year was beyond great with him. Even though we had to finally put him in a home, my mother would go every night to put him to bed, and I would go sometimes instead, to give her a break. I took him out a lot, we would go to appointments he had with his doctors and then I would take him out for lunch or early dinner. I miss our talks, we would always talk about student teaching, my future and how boys should be after my graduation in May because I need to focus on my schooling. I didn't know that he wouldn't be here and not even see my first day of my last semester or see me walk at my college graduation.

Tonight was the first night that my mom and I went to a movie together, on "date-night," in a couple years. He would kick us out on Saturday nights and we would have to go out to a movie so he could bring his girlfriend's home.

But tonight, and a few other things like having family dinner without him really hit me hard. He was my best friend, we might have fought a lot and sometimes did not see eye to eye but as he told me the day before we put him in hospice because his body was shutting down and it hurt to talk, the first thing he told me was, "here's my girl." Because I was, and I still am.

Thankfully, he passed away very peacefully and my mother was there to see him off. He did it just the way he always wanted to. But I am going to miss him, I am just glad have school still, cause I have no idea what I would do without something to keep my mind out of being sad and just trying to work on the future.

Thanks for reading.
Rachelle Star