Before I forget,

Last night, I had a sort of awakening, even since my ex, I found out that I had shut myself down essentially. I am not sure how I did it, but its so hard for me to feel anything and it sucks but with my grandfather's passing and how hard I cried. I just knew that I was just holding this wall up inside of me and was not letting anything come through. 

Its amazing how much you can lose yourself in someone, and sometimes not even notice the whole damage and toll they have taken on you. 

But, there is this friend of mine that, really made me discover a few things. I hung out with him and we watched a movie at his place. He kissed me. At first this made me confused and I was not sure what to think. By the end of the night, I kissed him before leaving (and don't worry only kissing happened). But the thing is, I forgot what that was like. He was the first guy, I honestly felt right kissing in a long time and I just let myself go, relax and breathe. It was amazing. 

And it left me, honestly, wanting more moments with him. Which, I did not expect but am glad he was so brave. 

I told you in previous posts that this was seeming like a year of new men and it is. But please don't take me for going around a lot, cause I don't at all. And I make that known to all the men have ever been interested in. And he respects that. And I have no idea what is going to happen in the future, but I feel like this is a good starting point and I am really happy that I am starting to try and open my heart up again, because I am tired of being this uptight and structured, always hiding behind my work, trying to forget, when I should be trying to remember: its okay to feel. 

Thanks for reading. 

Rachelle Star