Ramblings

This might just be ramblings of a woman who doesn't trust and has been hurt too much. This might just be a speech about a woman just looking for someone and just never having the luck to get there. This world is harsh and I have recently gotten out of the darkness that I have been in for almost half a decade. I know 5 years doesn't seem that much, but when your own mind is your hell. 5 years seems like a lifetime. I am proud of myself for letting myself have a chance at staying brave in this life and trying to be wise but also not closed off to this world anymore. Its hard to be that closed off, from everything. Feelings are not an issue but happiness is also not found there. People leaving are no problem but relationships (in any form) are not complete.

That is who I have been. Empty. Unfeeling. Simple. Confined. But thats not who I actually am. There is nothing hollow about me, nor am I simple and I love being free. Feelings are a constant for me and I used to always be connected to them and sometimes I have no idea how to deal with them now. Ever since this year, my heart hurts with feelings that I buried for so long. "Don't let anyone get close," or "People are only temporary," these were some of my rules. Smile on the outside, so no one sees in. This year I have been trying to get a handle on feelings. It feels like the the wall I built in my mind and around my heart, started to crack and went like a flood to my heart.

I would never wish this on anyone. Relearning how to integrate feelings is one of the hardest things. Learning how to let people in more than just on the surface. Trusting people that they have good intentions. Letting someone try to love you. And most importantly... you letting yourself love someone.

Somewhere along the way

Another relationship ended, the one I wrote about last... I had such high hopes. They say the relationships you have are usually how you view yourself. I never believed it until someone put it in my face and I had to look at the ugly truth. I am sorry if this offends anyone but I need to get this out of my head.

I never thought I had a "type," because I have dated, small or large, tall or short, all races, and just they have never been the same. Until my best friend, pointed out that I do chose certain people. I chose those that still have a lot of work, fixer-uppers if you would like to call them that. People that usually don't have a car, don't have a job and essentially down on their luck someone that I need to support. All of my relationships and most of my companions have followed these traits. 

The thing is... I am a woman, that is going to be 25 years old in less than a month, that has a career and is essentially at a point in my life that I am ready for other events that usually come with age (marriage, children, etc.) But how is it I pick the same type? No matter what gender I chose and no matter how different they look... they turn into something hallow and I find myself trying to hold on to someone that does not want to be held on to. 

Now going back to relationships being a mirror image of yourself... I never realized how I viewed myself. How badly I view myself to be honest... have no respect for myself. I had no courage to speak and not care the consequences. I was told I was a "Queen" and I would laugh at the comment. I would just block out any words such as, amazing, beautiful, awesome, etc. If someone commented on my job, I would not take ownership of my accomplishments. It was like I had no gratitude for myself. I love myself but what about respect? self-worth has a whole new meeting. I never thought of anything but love when it came to it until now. Do I respect myself? 

I have done some amazing things in the short time I have been alive and even more brilliant things have occurred since I took this job. I have so much going for me and I can't see the amazement in that? Who I am as a human, I am kind, smart, funny and beautiful. I have a family that loves and supports me like no other. I have a great job that has given me so much (even if my paycheck doesn't show it). I should never care about if someone thinks I have a big head or like to show off once and  while. I should support myself in all of my endeavors. I should love and enjoy every minute of it and be proud that I accomplished something and not worry if someone finds me conceited. I know I am not conceited and I have never known myself to be a showoff, but why not celebrate one's self? 

Somewhere along the way, I figured it out... somewhere along the way, I am discovering myself in a new way. Someone reminded me that I said 2016 is all about me... and I thought for a second I lost that goal while being in a relationship but it was one of my stepping stones I needed for myself. For the first time, I ended it before I was too involved. I gave myself a chance. It did hurt and still hurts but I finally stood up for myself against changing myself, against mental abuse, against someone who did not deserve the type of person I am. I wear a crown, I am kind, I have a career and car, I have love in my heart, and I do not deserve anyone less than that.  

Somewhere along the way... I discovered something... I discovered a crown. For once something actually fits around my head and the jewels I wear are, love, respect, bravery and courage. 

Cheers to finding more pieces. 

Trust is a Tricky Thing

I learned something today at work. We had a speaker come talk to us about PBIS (which is a model for positive behavior) during our professional development meeting after work. I really wasn't listening to be honest, because of everything I had in my head that needed to get done, so I was working on that while he was talking. 

It wasn't until he asked something of all of us in that room. He asked to imagine someone we know who we trust. And so of course I went straight to my mom, but then as he continued talking, I realized, I didn't trust her with everything, I went to my best friend's next in my mind, and realized, I never fully trusted them either. I was puzzled, and confused, because for being someone who is actually pretty open about a lot of things, I am also really not. I hold people an arm's length away because people always let me down. 

I was in some serious deep thought with this question because my world just turned around. The man kept talking and now asked us what qualities did those people we see in our minds... what qualities made them trustworthy. And the thing is, I had nothing to say. 

Trust is one of the most complex things in my heart. I can give you a certain amount, and it might seem like it was all of my trust. Chances are, it wont be. Trust is like my love. I don't give it willingly. I can't. My mind goes straight to... If I trust... It is going to bite me in the ass someday. If I trust, it is going to break me. This man, who I barely listened to made me question everything about trust and even about my ability to love. If I cannot trust, how would true love work? 

This man, brought me back to the pain that made me this way. This man, made me realize although I have grown, I am still that girl that refuses to let anyone in like once before. But than again, I have never tried again. 

I met someone... He is super nice, and funny. We met like two months ago, and its gonna be a month that we have been dating. He's actually everything I prayed to God for (so let us pray that he was not sent by Satan, just kidding!). He's not perfect but he is incredible to me. He has been insanely hurt. I know our circumstances are not the same of our pain but I do understand it and try to be there for him. He has changed my life for the better I feel. I have never met someone like him before in my whole life. 

But anyways, as life would have it, my trust was challenged today. He asked if he could use the car to see his friends and pick me up in the morning for work. When he asked I freaked out a little inside, it scared me to be honest, and a huge part of me told me no. It was getting pretty hard to breathe... and then something happened. I looked at him, and it was as if another part of me raised it's hand in the air as if to get my attention, and it said... "Trust him." 

That was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. Trust someone? Me? What? And I looked at him and I said yes. I said... yes. Me. How did that happen? Again, I became very puzzled.

As he was leaving, he gave me a kiss goodbye. It is the nicest thing when you kiss someone and feel like their kisses aren't actually saying goodbye... they are just saying hello, I will see you soon. When he finally left I sat reflecting upon that and then also reflecting upon what the man had asked me. If I could trust someone 100%... I would want it to be someone like him. He has all of the qualities that my colleagues called out after the speakers question. Weird isn't it? 

Thinking of that man's question, I still didn't have much of an answer but my day maybe left me with a candidate... Which made me think of another question... If I can trust, how would true love work? 

Cheers for trying to trust! 

It's just the start

Something happened to me yesterday. I messaged someone from my past, and asked what was wrong with me. I have written about him a few times. I am sorry if anyone reads this that I might like or have been with in the past 3 years or so. He was the one on pantano at first now he lives literally on the same street as me, just have a two intersections between us. I wrote a whole message begging to tell me, because I didn't know what I did to deserve for him to not ever want me. He always picked other girls and I also chose a girl over him. He didn't want anything serious so I went with someone who I thought did, and she did, but she wasn't what I needed. And although he is a great man, just with a few problems and a few imperfections, I just couldn't get him out of my head. Why wouldn't he give me a chance? If I told him I loved him, would it even matter? What was so wrong with me that he would chose someone else and not even try? I just wanted something a little more...Why would he promise me things and then not even message me back? My mind was going crazy... but hey I tried. If he can't see what it could have been, it obviously wasn't worth it.

Now, this whole story I am telling you isn't about him or our tragic love story or something like that. But something happened to me last night when I sent that message. He read it and out of no surprise, he didn't message me back. Shocker, right?

But anyways earlier I went to a party, a birthday party to be exact and it was a lot of fun. There was a man there. He worked at my school this past year helping with the choir class and trying to make it better for those students. We would talk here and there and he was so nice. He would be so awkward around me sometimes, I didn't really know what to think. He is handsome. But anyways, he never messaged me, and so I thought well, another bites the dust. And again please don't think this is some love story either because it really wasn't. But he was there at the party, I tried to talk to him, but it didn't really happen and so I went away and talked to someone else there at the party. I mean, why would he be into me? He probably came with someone, or is dating. Maybe he is gay. Not into me, which is okay. He's just here with his friends and doesn't really care about much else. I am really not good at reading guys. I kept looking at him for some sign, but again I had no such luck with any sign. It wasn't until he left the party, that was my sign. He didn't say goodbye, I watched him say goodbye to others and he left. And again my mind went insane, "what is wrong with me?"

I went to check my phone in the living room and I saw a text message. I currently tried a dating site. I know, super pathetic but eh, what the hell. It was a guy I was sort of into, but we only met briefly and it was an okay first meeting, not the best, but I was willing to give it another go. But nothing would have gone on, because, he messaged me to tell me he met someone else, so I wished him luck and love on his journey. And again there was that voice, "what is so wrong with me?"

This story isn't about finding love with someone. So if you are hoping for some random fairytale action, that is definitely not happening in this story. I decided to leave the party a little earlier. I needed to clear my head. I saw one of my old friends (and a roommate at one time) had posted about wanting to go to 4th ave for a little and I thought what the heck, I haven't seen her in forever. And so we met up. Funny thing is... she works where a friend from high school works and also I guy I used to have relations with. But anyways, we were all talking about our lives and such and one by one all the others left and it was just her and I. We were talking about the men that used to be in our lives and we were just going on and on. I brought up the whole night with her and then brought pantano man up to her as well because he was on my mind. And she told me probably one of the best pieces of advice when it came to dating. We started talking about our dreams and aspirations for life and she told me, "You know have you ever thought that God isn't ready for you to find someone because you have something you need to finish or do before?" That was when I wrote that message to pantano man, and I saw that he read it. And, that right there stuck with me because my feelings are very real when it comes to him. Here I was just about an hour ago, crying and yelling at God, what was wrong with me and why I am like this. Why can't I find someone to love but a whole bunch of men and women who would love for me to share my body with them.

As I was driving home and thinking more and more on that subject, it was hurting more and more. I want someone to want me, to love me, to be there for me, to hold me, travel with me, want more to life with me, share their life with me. But as I was thinking, what my friend told me, still stuck with me. I need to do something first.

And I think that something started to happen to me last night. I found someone...


Me.


I need me. I need respect for me. I need love for me. I need to do something for me. 2016 is all about being brave for me, but I forgot the one thing I am scared of the most. Living but another was failing at my art. I have always been scared, hence why I didn't go to school for acting and I thought I would just teach what I love and that it would be enough. I mean I had a full ride to an acting school and I didn't take it because I was scared. I was scared of being alone so I jumped into some relationships that I probably shouldn't have. I say certain things because I think that is what others want to hear because I am scared of what they might think. I have been scared to lose weight because I don't want to fall into my eating disorder and I don't want it to mentally change me. I don't want to move out of tucson alone because its scary. I overthink everything because it is scary because you don't know what the other person is going to say.


I have always been scared. Everything leading up to now, has been essentially driven by fear.
I think my something, is that I need to be brave for myself, I don't need to wonder into someones arms because they give me a sense of being safe. I thought pantano man could be that person who is a little more unsafe and a wild card, he is super brave at least to me and if we ever talked about dreams, he never told me I couldn't. And he has crazy drive and I thought maybe he could be it, we could be each others drive. But, it doesn't work like that I guess. If it isn't meant to happen, then I guess it wasn't. But no matter what, I need to be me. I need to be brave.


So, today marks a single day of me being brave. 2016 isn't my year to be brave. It is my year to start. I am starting with owning any mental change on my way to being 60 pounds lighter, and its a healthy goal. And staying that way and owning it one day at a time. I am going to be easier on myself and try not to worry so much about all the things I have to accomplish in this coming school year. It will all come when it needs to, but I am not going to push it. I love teaching but it's not my whole life. I am a human after all and its not my biggest dream. When I am to a healthy point, I am going to reward myself with going to an audition or being a techie for a performance. I am going to live my dream. And this coming summer of 2017 I am going to travel and try out for anything I can accomplish in the summer. I am going to try for the first time in almost a decade to show myself who I can be and who I already am. And if that is what God wants me to do, and if I find someone along the way I know they will be everything and anything I have ever wanted, and I have a feeling they wouldn't want to stop me. God has some pretty good plans for me, and I am brave to start what I think will be my favorite adventure.


Yesterday, I found something. Belief in myself. And this might be a corny ending to this self-love story but this also isn't an ending. It's just the start.

The Last Blooming Flower

As I was sitting watching the boats in the harbor here in California, I could not get this thought out of my head... it is a never ending thought and whenever it happens I dread it because of how sad I become after it. I saw this morning that about 5 different people I know either from high school or some other part of my life are getting married or having their first child. Some are the same age as me or some are younger. I am happy for them but it does make me ponder my life.

Looking out there at the water it made me think of all the people out there and how one of them must be for me. Some people don't realize how lucky they are. They found what everyone has been searching for, they found their type of a happily ever after. They have that next chapter or are already living it. Where is my happily ever after? As I am looking out there this endless sea, I started thinking about all of my relationships or attempts. I have had so many good guys in my life but they were only attempts and every single time I was the one left in the dark. I was left there sometimes with no explanation and more questions. Great memories but an achy heart. Where is my happy beginning? I don't want a lot of them I just need one, one that is for the history books.

It is sometimes crazy to think how you try to be with someone and it never works out, either it is timing or its just apparently just not meant to be and everything that could go wrong, actually does. Maybe they have no real way to see you, or maybe just don't make time, or they have all the time in the world and you really enjoy every minute with them and they tell you they are moving to another state. The outcomes are always sometimes so ridiculous, it is like you could write a whole book on your experiences. So I broke down and started online dating its been an interesting start, went on one date and he was very nice but something just did not click. For either of us I think. I will still attempt but we will see how it goes among the ones that are talking to me and see if they get weird or we hit it off. I never thought it would be this hard to meet someone when I am actually trying to look. When I am finally ready for my happy beginning and not wanting to run away from it.

You start with these people and they are awesome and you like their personality but then they lead you on or just always break promises when you try to keep seeing them. Finally it gets so hard to see them that you just have nothing else but to just try to forget them. I guess in the end, I can only do one thing, try to have hope and faith that God has someone very special for me. And as Mulan's father said to her, "My, My, what beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look. This one is late. I bet, when it blooms it will be the most beautiful of them all."

Here I am, looking at the water, wondering when I will find another late blooming flower. But I will still continue to look. Here's to finally being ready to try.

You Are Poison - I'm Not Drinking It Anymore

I have been trying to wrap my head around you. Wondering why... why do you treat me like this... You throw me away after giving me a little piece of you. I come close and feel and you just disappear.  You have been an addiction for a long time ever since we met on Plenty of Fish a few years ago. I remember coming to your apartment off of Pantano. Your roommate was so nice and you were so perfect. That night I gave myself to you, which is something I never did before. I remember looking around your room seeing photos of the past and a girl. You weren't ready for anything and I understood that. We had life in us together. We were fluid you and I. Every night was perfect, every piece of you was perfect. We never got to date, we have been still two ships just passing by each other. I wanted to set sails with you, but you always found what you thought was a better boat. And I hope you find that boat. I am sorry for loving you because I realize you don't deserve it. You are just poison to me. I deserve someone who will bring life into me, like I hoped you would - like you do when we are together. But I just don't see this changing and I will always get a goodbye kiss from you...

Just please. don't be like that forever, love someone one day. Please. You deserve that, not a house that you are alone in or a room with memories of people who aren't even around anymore. Hard work in this life pays off, yes. But when are you going to finally start working on your heart? I makes me sad because maybe you don't see it but you are still staying still. You might be able to change aspects of this life and become hollow and focus on your work and trying to get all that you can in this physical part of life but I don't want you to realize that one day, you will have all that you wanted except the home you made is empty, and all your gains will not support anything except the walls that have no pictures. You will find yourself alone with empire you created. Loveless. And I want you to live and find happiness in those who you love and love you. Don't run away from it or find something wrong with it. Just let it all happen, let it all be.


Just please... don't be your own poison.

I wont let you be mine anymore.

Found a paper from Recovery back in October - "Who I pretend to be"/ "Who I really am"

Today as I was cleaning out another bag from moving home back in like March, I found one of my many purses that I have (I know I have a shopping problem). It had not been cleaned out after I used it the last time so I decided to clean it out as well. As I was going through the old papers, picking out coins, among some tissues was this mangled and folded paper. It was two papers stapled together so I opened it rather than putting it in the trash.

It was a paper we had to work on during the 3 months that I was in the eating disorder recovery place back in October. We worked a lot on ourselves during that time and sometimes we wrote things down. This was a worksheet we did, the first paper was, "Who I Pretend to Be," and the other is, "Who I really am." I remember writing this out and thinking it was silly, most of the other women there also weren't very happy about it because I think it was on the day that we talk about health.

There were already prewritten beginnings and we had to finish them. I will be writing mine out so you can read but I would also say, it might do you some good doing it too. When read it again, I was amazed at how I was feeling but it was true, oh so true.

Who I Pretend to Be
I pretend to be... strong
Most people don't know that I... need more help sometimes
I give the impression of... being knowledgable
The mask I wear is... being a leader
On the surface I am... sinking
The game I play is.... "I'm okay"
I hide behind... my responsibilities
I wear makeup because.... I like looking my best
The clothes I wear indicate.... how I want to feel
The car I drive shows that... I am loved and educated
My job or profession shows others that... I know what I am doing
The real me hides under... professional/life morals
How long I've been pretending is... my whole life
How often I pretend is... countless


Who I Really Am
I am... a human
The main thing about me is... I teach
I always... love to laugh
I feel most like me when... I can just relax
What I like the most about a person is... their ability to have fun
I will be... happy
I get angry when... others are not giving each other a chance
I feel happiest when... I'm with my friends
I believe in... everything
One thing I want to accomplish is... an easier (less dramatic) life
What I like most about myself is... my humor
I hate it when... others can't see there beauty
I was... always like that
I feel least like myself when... I can't see that beauty
If you really knew me... you might think I am depressed
I feel weakest when... I can't do something in my control
When I feel angry, I... don't talk and want to be alone
On a rainy day I like to... stand in the rain, watch the sky and breathe
I feel good when I remember... my students, my family and friends
When I am alone I feel... content
Most of all I really want... sleep
I was the type of child who... played alone
One thing I'd like to change about myself is... nothing
I feel strongest when... I am at work
On a beautiful day I like to... be outside breathing in the air and listen to the world
My favorite pastime is... watch Netflix and working alone
When I feel happy, I like to... be somewhere with a loved one
If my relationship with... my doubts... where to end... I would be endless.



I will do these again someday, it was nice to read and for my younger self to give me that gift to read them again and remember and compare what its like for me now.