The Last Blooming Flower

As I was sitting watching the boats in the harbor here in California, I could not get this thought out of my head... it is a never ending thought and whenever it happens I dread it because of how sad I become after it. I saw this morning that about 5 different people I know either from high school or some other part of my life are getting married or having their first child. Some are the same age as me or some are younger. I am happy for them but it does make me ponder my life.

Looking out there at the water it made me think of all the people out there and how one of them must be for me. Some people don't realize how lucky they are. They found what everyone has been searching for, they found their type of a happily ever after. They have that next chapter or are already living it. Where is my happily ever after? As I am looking out there this endless sea, I started thinking about all of my relationships or attempts. I have had so many good guys in my life but they were only attempts and every single time I was the one left in the dark. I was left there sometimes with no explanation and more questions. Great memories but an achy heart. Where is my happy beginning? I don't want a lot of them I just need one, one that is for the history books.

It is sometimes crazy to think how you try to be with someone and it never works out, either it is timing or its just apparently just not meant to be and everything that could go wrong, actually does. Maybe they have no real way to see you, or maybe just don't make time, or they have all the time in the world and you really enjoy every minute with them and they tell you they are moving to another state. The outcomes are always sometimes so ridiculous, it is like you could write a whole book on your experiences. So I broke down and started online dating its been an interesting start, went on one date and he was very nice but something just did not click. For either of us I think. I will still attempt but we will see how it goes among the ones that are talking to me and see if they get weird or we hit it off. I never thought it would be this hard to meet someone when I am actually trying to look. When I am finally ready for my happy beginning and not wanting to run away from it.

You start with these people and they are awesome and you like their personality but then they lead you on or just always break promises when you try to keep seeing them. Finally it gets so hard to see them that you just have nothing else but to just try to forget them. I guess in the end, I can only do one thing, try to have hope and faith that God has someone very special for me. And as Mulan's father said to her, "My, My, what beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look. This one is late. I bet, when it blooms it will be the most beautiful of them all."

Here I am, looking at the water, wondering when I will find another late blooming flower. But I will still continue to look. Here's to finally being ready to try.