Somewhere along the way

Another relationship ended, the one I wrote about last... I had such high hopes. They say the relationships you have are usually how you view yourself. I never believed it until someone put it in my face and I had to look at the ugly truth. I am sorry if this offends anyone but I need to get this out of my head.

I never thought I had a "type," because I have dated, small or large, tall or short, all races, and just they have never been the same. Until my best friend, pointed out that I do chose certain people. I chose those that still have a lot of work, fixer-uppers if you would like to call them that. People that usually don't have a car, don't have a job and essentially down on their luck someone that I need to support. All of my relationships and most of my companions have followed these traits. 

The thing is... I am a woman, that is going to be 25 years old in less than a month, that has a career and is essentially at a point in my life that I am ready for other events that usually come with age (marriage, children, etc.) But how is it I pick the same type? No matter what gender I chose and no matter how different they look... they turn into something hallow and I find myself trying to hold on to someone that does not want to be held on to. 

Now going back to relationships being a mirror image of yourself... I never realized how I viewed myself. How badly I view myself to be honest... have no respect for myself. I had no courage to speak and not care the consequences. I was told I was a "Queen" and I would laugh at the comment. I would just block out any words such as, amazing, beautiful, awesome, etc. If someone commented on my job, I would not take ownership of my accomplishments. It was like I had no gratitude for myself. I love myself but what about respect? self-worth has a whole new meeting. I never thought of anything but love when it came to it until now. Do I respect myself? 

I have done some amazing things in the short time I have been alive and even more brilliant things have occurred since I took this job. I have so much going for me and I can't see the amazement in that? Who I am as a human, I am kind, smart, funny and beautiful. I have a family that loves and supports me like no other. I have a great job that has given me so much (even if my paycheck doesn't show it). I should never care about if someone thinks I have a big head or like to show off once and  while. I should support myself in all of my endeavors. I should love and enjoy every minute of it and be proud that I accomplished something and not worry if someone finds me conceited. I know I am not conceited and I have never known myself to be a showoff, but why not celebrate one's self? 

Somewhere along the way, I figured it out... somewhere along the way, I am discovering myself in a new way. Someone reminded me that I said 2016 is all about me... and I thought for a second I lost that goal while being in a relationship but it was one of my stepping stones I needed for myself. For the first time, I ended it before I was too involved. I gave myself a chance. It did hurt and still hurts but I finally stood up for myself against changing myself, against mental abuse, against someone who did not deserve the type of person I am. I wear a crown, I am kind, I have a career and car, I have love in my heart, and I do not deserve anyone less than that.  

Somewhere along the way... I discovered something... I discovered a crown. For once something actually fits around my head and the jewels I wear are, love, respect, bravery and courage. 

Cheers to finding more pieces.