It wasn't until he asked something of all of us in that room. He asked to imagine someone we know who we trust. And so of course I went straight to my mom, but then as he continued talking, I realized, I didn't trust her with everything, I went to my best friend's next in my mind, and realized, I never fully trusted them either. I was puzzled, and confused, because for being someone who is actually pretty open about a lot of things, I am also really not. I hold people an arm's length away because people always let me down.
I was in some serious deep thought with this question because my world just turned around. The man kept talking and now asked us what qualities did those people we see in our minds... what qualities made them trustworthy. And the thing is, I had nothing to say.
Trust is one of the most complex things in my heart. I can give you a certain amount, and it might seem like it was all of my trust. Chances are, it wont be. Trust is like my love. I don't give it willingly. I can't. My mind goes straight to... If I trust... It is going to bite me in the ass someday. If I trust, it is going to break me. This man, who I barely listened to made me question everything about trust and even about my ability to love. If I cannot trust, how would true love work?
This man, brought me back to the pain that made me this way. This man, made me realize although I have grown, I am still that girl that refuses to let anyone in like once before. But than again, I have never tried again.
I met someone... He is super nice, and funny. We met like two months ago, and its gonna be a month that we have been dating. He's actually everything I prayed to God for (so let us pray that he was not sent by Satan, just kidding!). He's not perfect but he is incredible to me. He has been insanely hurt. I know our circumstances are not the same of our pain but I do understand it and try to be there for him. He has changed my life for the better I feel. I have never met someone like him before in my whole life.
But anyways, as life would have it, my trust was challenged today. He asked if he could use the car to see his friends and pick me up in the morning for work. When he asked I freaked out a little inside, it scared me to be honest, and a huge part of me told me no. It was getting pretty hard to breathe... and then something happened. I looked at him, and it was as if another part of me raised it's hand in the air as if to get my attention, and it said... "Trust him."
That was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. Trust someone? Me? What? And I looked at him and I said yes. I said... yes. Me. How did that happen? Again, I became very puzzled.
As he was leaving, he gave me a kiss goodbye. It is the nicest thing when you kiss someone and feel like their kisses aren't actually saying goodbye... they are just saying hello, I will see you soon. When he finally left I sat reflecting upon that and then also reflecting upon what the man had asked me. If I could trust someone 100%... I would want it to be someone like him. He has all of the qualities that my colleagues called out after the speakers question. Weird isn't it?
Thinking of that man's question, I still didn't have much of an answer but my day maybe left me with a candidate... Which made me think of another question... If I can trust, how would true love work?
Cheers for trying to trust!
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