Ramblings

This might just be ramblings of a woman who doesn't trust and has been hurt too much. This might just be a speech about a woman just looking for someone and just never having the luck to get there. This world is harsh and I have recently gotten out of the darkness that I have been in for almost half a decade. I know 5 years doesn't seem that much, but when your own mind is your hell. 5 years seems like a lifetime. I am proud of myself for letting myself have a chance at staying brave in this life and trying to be wise but also not closed off to this world anymore. Its hard to be that closed off, from everything. Feelings are not an issue but happiness is also not found there. People leaving are no problem but relationships (in any form) are not complete.

That is who I have been. Empty. Unfeeling. Simple. Confined. But thats not who I actually am. There is nothing hollow about me, nor am I simple and I love being free. Feelings are a constant for me and I used to always be connected to them and sometimes I have no idea how to deal with them now. Ever since this year, my heart hurts with feelings that I buried for so long. "Don't let anyone get close," or "People are only temporary," these were some of my rules. Smile on the outside, so no one sees in. This year I have been trying to get a handle on feelings. It feels like the the wall I built in my mind and around my heart, started to crack and went like a flood to my heart.

I would never wish this on anyone. Relearning how to integrate feelings is one of the hardest things. Learning how to let people in more than just on the surface. Trusting people that they have good intentions. Letting someone try to love you. And most importantly... you letting yourself love someone.