It's just the start

Something happened to me yesterday. I messaged someone from my past, and asked what was wrong with me. I have written about him a few times. I am sorry if anyone reads this that I might like or have been with in the past 3 years or so. He was the one on pantano at first now he lives literally on the same street as me, just have a two intersections between us. I wrote a whole message begging to tell me, because I didn't know what I did to deserve for him to not ever want me. He always picked other girls and I also chose a girl over him. He didn't want anything serious so I went with someone who I thought did, and she did, but she wasn't what I needed. And although he is a great man, just with a few problems and a few imperfections, I just couldn't get him out of my head. Why wouldn't he give me a chance? If I told him I loved him, would it even matter? What was so wrong with me that he would chose someone else and not even try? I just wanted something a little more...Why would he promise me things and then not even message me back? My mind was going crazy... but hey I tried. If he can't see what it could have been, it obviously wasn't worth it.

Now, this whole story I am telling you isn't about him or our tragic love story or something like that. But something happened to me last night when I sent that message. He read it and out of no surprise, he didn't message me back. Shocker, right?

But anyways earlier I went to a party, a birthday party to be exact and it was a lot of fun. There was a man there. He worked at my school this past year helping with the choir class and trying to make it better for those students. We would talk here and there and he was so nice. He would be so awkward around me sometimes, I didn't really know what to think. He is handsome. But anyways, he never messaged me, and so I thought well, another bites the dust. And again please don't think this is some love story either because it really wasn't. But he was there at the party, I tried to talk to him, but it didn't really happen and so I went away and talked to someone else there at the party. I mean, why would he be into me? He probably came with someone, or is dating. Maybe he is gay. Not into me, which is okay. He's just here with his friends and doesn't really care about much else. I am really not good at reading guys. I kept looking at him for some sign, but again I had no such luck with any sign. It wasn't until he left the party, that was my sign. He didn't say goodbye, I watched him say goodbye to others and he left. And again my mind went insane, "what is wrong with me?"

I went to check my phone in the living room and I saw a text message. I currently tried a dating site. I know, super pathetic but eh, what the hell. It was a guy I was sort of into, but we only met briefly and it was an okay first meeting, not the best, but I was willing to give it another go. But nothing would have gone on, because, he messaged me to tell me he met someone else, so I wished him luck and love on his journey. And again there was that voice, "what is so wrong with me?"

This story isn't about finding love with someone. So if you are hoping for some random fairytale action, that is definitely not happening in this story. I decided to leave the party a little earlier. I needed to clear my head. I saw one of my old friends (and a roommate at one time) had posted about wanting to go to 4th ave for a little and I thought what the heck, I haven't seen her in forever. And so we met up. Funny thing is... she works where a friend from high school works and also I guy I used to have relations with. But anyways, we were all talking about our lives and such and one by one all the others left and it was just her and I. We were talking about the men that used to be in our lives and we were just going on and on. I brought up the whole night with her and then brought pantano man up to her as well because he was on my mind. And she told me probably one of the best pieces of advice when it came to dating. We started talking about our dreams and aspirations for life and she told me, "You know have you ever thought that God isn't ready for you to find someone because you have something you need to finish or do before?" That was when I wrote that message to pantano man, and I saw that he read it. And, that right there stuck with me because my feelings are very real when it comes to him. Here I was just about an hour ago, crying and yelling at God, what was wrong with me and why I am like this. Why can't I find someone to love but a whole bunch of men and women who would love for me to share my body with them.

As I was driving home and thinking more and more on that subject, it was hurting more and more. I want someone to want me, to love me, to be there for me, to hold me, travel with me, want more to life with me, share their life with me. But as I was thinking, what my friend told me, still stuck with me. I need to do something first.

And I think that something started to happen to me last night. I found someone...


Me.


I need me. I need respect for me. I need love for me. I need to do something for me. 2016 is all about being brave for me, but I forgot the one thing I am scared of the most. Living but another was failing at my art. I have always been scared, hence why I didn't go to school for acting and I thought I would just teach what I love and that it would be enough. I mean I had a full ride to an acting school and I didn't take it because I was scared. I was scared of being alone so I jumped into some relationships that I probably shouldn't have. I say certain things because I think that is what others want to hear because I am scared of what they might think. I have been scared to lose weight because I don't want to fall into my eating disorder and I don't want it to mentally change me. I don't want to move out of tucson alone because its scary. I overthink everything because it is scary because you don't know what the other person is going to say.


I have always been scared. Everything leading up to now, has been essentially driven by fear.
I think my something, is that I need to be brave for myself, I don't need to wonder into someones arms because they give me a sense of being safe. I thought pantano man could be that person who is a little more unsafe and a wild card, he is super brave at least to me and if we ever talked about dreams, he never told me I couldn't. And he has crazy drive and I thought maybe he could be it, we could be each others drive. But, it doesn't work like that I guess. If it isn't meant to happen, then I guess it wasn't. But no matter what, I need to be me. I need to be brave.


So, today marks a single day of me being brave. 2016 isn't my year to be brave. It is my year to start. I am starting with owning any mental change on my way to being 60 pounds lighter, and its a healthy goal. And staying that way and owning it one day at a time. I am going to be easier on myself and try not to worry so much about all the things I have to accomplish in this coming school year. It will all come when it needs to, but I am not going to push it. I love teaching but it's not my whole life. I am a human after all and its not my biggest dream. When I am to a healthy point, I am going to reward myself with going to an audition or being a techie for a performance. I am going to live my dream. And this coming summer of 2017 I am going to travel and try out for anything I can accomplish in the summer. I am going to try for the first time in almost a decade to show myself who I can be and who I already am. And if that is what God wants me to do, and if I find someone along the way I know they will be everything and anything I have ever wanted, and I have a feeling they wouldn't want to stop me. God has some pretty good plans for me, and I am brave to start what I think will be my favorite adventure.


Yesterday, I found something. Belief in myself. And this might be a corny ending to this self-love story but this also isn't an ending. It's just the start.