Eating disorders suck

My eating disorder is just so very happy with me but I'm not happy with it... Life is good and busy. I'm happy with my relationship but with relationships comes what I call, "happy pounds." They don't have to stay of course but it's still upsetting because of how hard I worked to only gain most of it back. Plus my job and some health issues have gotten in the way as of late with working out and finding that time again and energy.

This is... Upsetting and brings back a lot of insecurities and mental discomfort. It's a lot of anxiety and a ton of over thinking but there my eating disorder lives. Its back getting to me more and more. Speaking to me through my own thoughts, continuously beating me down on my relationship, my health, my eating, my clothes, my work, my home life, my friends, my family, my looks, my motivation. Constant judgement no matter what or where I go.

Even if it's a catch of the past or just a image of myself in a window. It is always there. Sometimes I can make it be quieter... But sometimes. It finds a way back to the front of your mind like a virus in a computer. The only thing is... We can't just be cleared of that virus. All you can do is try to get the the core of the issue and try to put it back to where it belongs... Which is out of my head.

Note: Please never get depression, anxiety or ED's messed up. They are all different. I suffer from all of the above. They work in different ways but I know that I have put them in their place before... I am hoping before they get too out of control... I can put them back.

Something I didnt Need

To put this in the words of one of my favourite bands... "I am everything I want, I am everything you need, I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be, I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why..."

You have literally been that for me... For months. The moment I met you, and we shared that night. I wish we would have met on better terms because my heart just wants to fall for you. My heart wants to love you but you have made yourself so clear that it's just not in the picture.

Trying to go away from you has only made me regret it more and more. God, I wish you just wanted me. I wanted you four months of this. And it keeps getting better and I hate you for that. Why do you have to be so fucking cute? Literally in everything you do... Why can't I just hate you for this. Hate you for making me fall for you.

It's my own fault. I fell for someone again. Who just doesn't want me. The person who has turned into one of my good friends and lover... Just can't take me.

I didn't think this would hurt so much. I didn't think I would start to fall or get invested but here you are and I just can't get you out of my heart.

I guess it's better to have loved than lost... But I just hate always losing. But I'm so scared of losing you and getting close to you at the same time.

The fact is... I might actually... Could possibly, almost, practically... Love you

But sadly, you broke my heart.

Just one wish

Dating and I have never been friends, when something good happens to me like finding someone, they always turn into something other than human. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I don't deserve someone that is honest, loving, sincere, funny and just over all a good person. When I meet someone, I want to jump too fast because they jumped in, then they get freaked and run away. For once I would like to find someone who would just run to me, not away. It's scary as is, and then there are complications... like timing. Bad timing and I would appear to be best friends but all I want to do is break up that pair.

Sometimes I feel like I have to believe that my mate, is off somewhere in a coma, at least he's there, on earth even though I will never get to meet him. Dating is so difficult and I wish for once it would work out. For once I wish timing was on my side.

Then there is one final issue with dating and I... I have the worst luck and I fuck up a lot. I used to mess up all the time because all I wanted was a relationship. My methods were not the best and my friends definitely frowned upon them. I am not proud of some of the things that I did or have done. I get weird when I try to date. I don't hide or run away, but my mind tries to disconnect from my feelings. I need open communication or my mind goes insane at a thousand miles per hour. To understand this a bit more, my favorite movie is "He's just not that into you."

But when it comes down to it everyone has flaws, and I have mine. Everyone seems to be finding that person that accepts those. But just once I wish someone would take those and my scars... and love them. This world Is too crazy to live it alone.

Maybe he's not in a coma, and he might even be out there looking for me too. My inner self is screaming out to our world, "I'm right here! Waiting for you!"

I'm tired. And I just wish my heart would get that memo.

I do know one thing... when someone gives me a chance and it feels right to me. I'll stop wishing for my mate. I will feel pretty damn lucky.

Ramblings

This might just be ramblings of a woman who doesn't trust and has been hurt too much. This might just be a speech about a woman just looking for someone and just never having the luck to get there. This world is harsh and I have recently gotten out of the darkness that I have been in for almost half a decade. I know 5 years doesn't seem that much, but when your own mind is your hell. 5 years seems like a lifetime. I am proud of myself for letting myself have a chance at staying brave in this life and trying to be wise but also not closed off to this world anymore. Its hard to be that closed off, from everything. Feelings are not an issue but happiness is also not found there. People leaving are no problem but relationships (in any form) are not complete.

That is who I have been. Empty. Unfeeling. Simple. Confined. But thats not who I actually am. There is nothing hollow about me, nor am I simple and I love being free. Feelings are a constant for me and I used to always be connected to them and sometimes I have no idea how to deal with them now. Ever since this year, my heart hurts with feelings that I buried for so long. "Don't let anyone get close," or "People are only temporary," these were some of my rules. Smile on the outside, so no one sees in. This year I have been trying to get a handle on feelings. It feels like the the wall I built in my mind and around my heart, started to crack and went like a flood to my heart.

I would never wish this on anyone. Relearning how to integrate feelings is one of the hardest things. Learning how to let people in more than just on the surface. Trusting people that they have good intentions. Letting someone try to love you. And most importantly... you letting yourself love someone.

Somewhere along the way

Another relationship ended, the one I wrote about last... I had such high hopes. They say the relationships you have are usually how you view yourself. I never believed it until someone put it in my face and I had to look at the ugly truth. I am sorry if this offends anyone but I need to get this out of my head.

I never thought I had a "type," because I have dated, small or large, tall or short, all races, and just they have never been the same. Until my best friend, pointed out that I do chose certain people. I chose those that still have a lot of work, fixer-uppers if you would like to call them that. People that usually don't have a car, don't have a job and essentially down on their luck someone that I need to support. All of my relationships and most of my companions have followed these traits. 

The thing is... I am a woman, that is going to be 25 years old in less than a month, that has a career and is essentially at a point in my life that I am ready for other events that usually come with age (marriage, children, etc.) But how is it I pick the same type? No matter what gender I chose and no matter how different they look... they turn into something hallow and I find myself trying to hold on to someone that does not want to be held on to. 

Now going back to relationships being a mirror image of yourself... I never realized how I viewed myself. How badly I view myself to be honest... have no respect for myself. I had no courage to speak and not care the consequences. I was told I was a "Queen" and I would laugh at the comment. I would just block out any words such as, amazing, beautiful, awesome, etc. If someone commented on my job, I would not take ownership of my accomplishments. It was like I had no gratitude for myself. I love myself but what about respect? self-worth has a whole new meeting. I never thought of anything but love when it came to it until now. Do I respect myself? 

I have done some amazing things in the short time I have been alive and even more brilliant things have occurred since I took this job. I have so much going for me and I can't see the amazement in that? Who I am as a human, I am kind, smart, funny and beautiful. I have a family that loves and supports me like no other. I have a great job that has given me so much (even if my paycheck doesn't show it). I should never care about if someone thinks I have a big head or like to show off once and  while. I should support myself in all of my endeavors. I should love and enjoy every minute of it and be proud that I accomplished something and not worry if someone finds me conceited. I know I am not conceited and I have never known myself to be a showoff, but why not celebrate one's self? 

Somewhere along the way, I figured it out... somewhere along the way, I am discovering myself in a new way. Someone reminded me that I said 2016 is all about me... and I thought for a second I lost that goal while being in a relationship but it was one of my stepping stones I needed for myself. For the first time, I ended it before I was too involved. I gave myself a chance. It did hurt and still hurts but I finally stood up for myself against changing myself, against mental abuse, against someone who did not deserve the type of person I am. I wear a crown, I am kind, I have a career and car, I have love in my heart, and I do not deserve anyone less than that.  

Somewhere along the way... I discovered something... I discovered a crown. For once something actually fits around my head and the jewels I wear are, love, respect, bravery and courage. 

Cheers to finding more pieces. 

Trust is a Tricky Thing

I learned something today at work. We had a speaker come talk to us about PBIS (which is a model for positive behavior) during our professional development meeting after work. I really wasn't listening to be honest, because of everything I had in my head that needed to get done, so I was working on that while he was talking. 

It wasn't until he asked something of all of us in that room. He asked to imagine someone we know who we trust. And so of course I went straight to my mom, but then as he continued talking, I realized, I didn't trust her with everything, I went to my best friend's next in my mind, and realized, I never fully trusted them either. I was puzzled, and confused, because for being someone who is actually pretty open about a lot of things, I am also really not. I hold people an arm's length away because people always let me down. 

I was in some serious deep thought with this question because my world just turned around. The man kept talking and now asked us what qualities did those people we see in our minds... what qualities made them trustworthy. And the thing is, I had nothing to say. 

Trust is one of the most complex things in my heart. I can give you a certain amount, and it might seem like it was all of my trust. Chances are, it wont be. Trust is like my love. I don't give it willingly. I can't. My mind goes straight to... If I trust... It is going to bite me in the ass someday. If I trust, it is going to break me. This man, who I barely listened to made me question everything about trust and even about my ability to love. If I cannot trust, how would true love work? 

This man, brought me back to the pain that made me this way. This man, made me realize although I have grown, I am still that girl that refuses to let anyone in like once before. But than again, I have never tried again. 

I met someone... He is super nice, and funny. We met like two months ago, and its gonna be a month that we have been dating. He's actually everything I prayed to God for (so let us pray that he was not sent by Satan, just kidding!). He's not perfect but he is incredible to me. He has been insanely hurt. I know our circumstances are not the same of our pain but I do understand it and try to be there for him. He has changed my life for the better I feel. I have never met someone like him before in my whole life. 

But anyways, as life would have it, my trust was challenged today. He asked if he could use the car to see his friends and pick me up in the morning for work. When he asked I freaked out a little inside, it scared me to be honest, and a huge part of me told me no. It was getting pretty hard to breathe... and then something happened. I looked at him, and it was as if another part of me raised it's hand in the air as if to get my attention, and it said... "Trust him." 

That was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. Trust someone? Me? What? And I looked at him and I said yes. I said... yes. Me. How did that happen? Again, I became very puzzled.

As he was leaving, he gave me a kiss goodbye. It is the nicest thing when you kiss someone and feel like their kisses aren't actually saying goodbye... they are just saying hello, I will see you soon. When he finally left I sat reflecting upon that and then also reflecting upon what the man had asked me. If I could trust someone 100%... I would want it to be someone like him. He has all of the qualities that my colleagues called out after the speakers question. Weird isn't it? 

Thinking of that man's question, I still didn't have much of an answer but my day maybe left me with a candidate... Which made me think of another question... If I can trust, how would true love work? 

Cheers for trying to trust! 

It's just the start

Something happened to me yesterday. I messaged someone from my past, and asked what was wrong with me. I have written about him a few times. I am sorry if anyone reads this that I might like or have been with in the past 3 years or so. He was the one on pantano at first now he lives literally on the same street as me, just have a two intersections between us. I wrote a whole message begging to tell me, because I didn't know what I did to deserve for him to not ever want me. He always picked other girls and I also chose a girl over him. He didn't want anything serious so I went with someone who I thought did, and she did, but she wasn't what I needed. And although he is a great man, just with a few problems and a few imperfections, I just couldn't get him out of my head. Why wouldn't he give me a chance? If I told him I loved him, would it even matter? What was so wrong with me that he would chose someone else and not even try? I just wanted something a little more...Why would he promise me things and then not even message me back? My mind was going crazy... but hey I tried. If he can't see what it could have been, it obviously wasn't worth it.

Now, this whole story I am telling you isn't about him or our tragic love story or something like that. But something happened to me last night when I sent that message. He read it and out of no surprise, he didn't message me back. Shocker, right?

But anyways earlier I went to a party, a birthday party to be exact and it was a lot of fun. There was a man there. He worked at my school this past year helping with the choir class and trying to make it better for those students. We would talk here and there and he was so nice. He would be so awkward around me sometimes, I didn't really know what to think. He is handsome. But anyways, he never messaged me, and so I thought well, another bites the dust. And again please don't think this is some love story either because it really wasn't. But he was there at the party, I tried to talk to him, but it didn't really happen and so I went away and talked to someone else there at the party. I mean, why would he be into me? He probably came with someone, or is dating. Maybe he is gay. Not into me, which is okay. He's just here with his friends and doesn't really care about much else. I am really not good at reading guys. I kept looking at him for some sign, but again I had no such luck with any sign. It wasn't until he left the party, that was my sign. He didn't say goodbye, I watched him say goodbye to others and he left. And again my mind went insane, "what is wrong with me?"

I went to check my phone in the living room and I saw a text message. I currently tried a dating site. I know, super pathetic but eh, what the hell. It was a guy I was sort of into, but we only met briefly and it was an okay first meeting, not the best, but I was willing to give it another go. But nothing would have gone on, because, he messaged me to tell me he met someone else, so I wished him luck and love on his journey. And again there was that voice, "what is so wrong with me?"

This story isn't about finding love with someone. So if you are hoping for some random fairytale action, that is definitely not happening in this story. I decided to leave the party a little earlier. I needed to clear my head. I saw one of my old friends (and a roommate at one time) had posted about wanting to go to 4th ave for a little and I thought what the heck, I haven't seen her in forever. And so we met up. Funny thing is... she works where a friend from high school works and also I guy I used to have relations with. But anyways, we were all talking about our lives and such and one by one all the others left and it was just her and I. We were talking about the men that used to be in our lives and we were just going on and on. I brought up the whole night with her and then brought pantano man up to her as well because he was on my mind. And she told me probably one of the best pieces of advice when it came to dating. We started talking about our dreams and aspirations for life and she told me, "You know have you ever thought that God isn't ready for you to find someone because you have something you need to finish or do before?" That was when I wrote that message to pantano man, and I saw that he read it. And, that right there stuck with me because my feelings are very real when it comes to him. Here I was just about an hour ago, crying and yelling at God, what was wrong with me and why I am like this. Why can't I find someone to love but a whole bunch of men and women who would love for me to share my body with them.

As I was driving home and thinking more and more on that subject, it was hurting more and more. I want someone to want me, to love me, to be there for me, to hold me, travel with me, want more to life with me, share their life with me. But as I was thinking, what my friend told me, still stuck with me. I need to do something first.

And I think that something started to happen to me last night. I found someone...


Me.


I need me. I need respect for me. I need love for me. I need to do something for me. 2016 is all about being brave for me, but I forgot the one thing I am scared of the most. Living but another was failing at my art. I have always been scared, hence why I didn't go to school for acting and I thought I would just teach what I love and that it would be enough. I mean I had a full ride to an acting school and I didn't take it because I was scared. I was scared of being alone so I jumped into some relationships that I probably shouldn't have. I say certain things because I think that is what others want to hear because I am scared of what they might think. I have been scared to lose weight because I don't want to fall into my eating disorder and I don't want it to mentally change me. I don't want to move out of tucson alone because its scary. I overthink everything because it is scary because you don't know what the other person is going to say.


I have always been scared. Everything leading up to now, has been essentially driven by fear.
I think my something, is that I need to be brave for myself, I don't need to wonder into someones arms because they give me a sense of being safe. I thought pantano man could be that person who is a little more unsafe and a wild card, he is super brave at least to me and if we ever talked about dreams, he never told me I couldn't. And he has crazy drive and I thought maybe he could be it, we could be each others drive. But, it doesn't work like that I guess. If it isn't meant to happen, then I guess it wasn't. But no matter what, I need to be me. I need to be brave.


So, today marks a single day of me being brave. 2016 isn't my year to be brave. It is my year to start. I am starting with owning any mental change on my way to being 60 pounds lighter, and its a healthy goal. And staying that way and owning it one day at a time. I am going to be easier on myself and try not to worry so much about all the things I have to accomplish in this coming school year. It will all come when it needs to, but I am not going to push it. I love teaching but it's not my whole life. I am a human after all and its not my biggest dream. When I am to a healthy point, I am going to reward myself with going to an audition or being a techie for a performance. I am going to live my dream. And this coming summer of 2017 I am going to travel and try out for anything I can accomplish in the summer. I am going to try for the first time in almost a decade to show myself who I can be and who I already am. And if that is what God wants me to do, and if I find someone along the way I know they will be everything and anything I have ever wanted, and I have a feeling they wouldn't want to stop me. God has some pretty good plans for me, and I am brave to start what I think will be my favorite adventure.


Yesterday, I found something. Belief in myself. And this might be a corny ending to this self-love story but this also isn't an ending. It's just the start.