The Last Blooming Flower

As I was sitting watching the boats in the harbor here in California, I could not get this thought out of my head... it is a never ending thought and whenever it happens I dread it because of how sad I become after it. I saw this morning that about 5 different people I know either from high school or some other part of my life are getting married or having their first child. Some are the same age as me or some are younger. I am happy for them but it does make me ponder my life.

Looking out there at the water it made me think of all the people out there and how one of them must be for me. Some people don't realize how lucky they are. They found what everyone has been searching for, they found their type of a happily ever after. They have that next chapter or are already living it. Where is my happily ever after? As I am looking out there this endless sea, I started thinking about all of my relationships or attempts. I have had so many good guys in my life but they were only attempts and every single time I was the one left in the dark. I was left there sometimes with no explanation and more questions. Great memories but an achy heart. Where is my happy beginning? I don't want a lot of them I just need one, one that is for the history books.

It is sometimes crazy to think how you try to be with someone and it never works out, either it is timing or its just apparently just not meant to be and everything that could go wrong, actually does. Maybe they have no real way to see you, or maybe just don't make time, or they have all the time in the world and you really enjoy every minute with them and they tell you they are moving to another state. The outcomes are always sometimes so ridiculous, it is like you could write a whole book on your experiences. So I broke down and started online dating its been an interesting start, went on one date and he was very nice but something just did not click. For either of us I think. I will still attempt but we will see how it goes among the ones that are talking to me and see if they get weird or we hit it off. I never thought it would be this hard to meet someone when I am actually trying to look. When I am finally ready for my happy beginning and not wanting to run away from it.

You start with these people and they are awesome and you like their personality but then they lead you on or just always break promises when you try to keep seeing them. Finally it gets so hard to see them that you just have nothing else but to just try to forget them. I guess in the end, I can only do one thing, try to have hope and faith that God has someone very special for me. And as Mulan's father said to her, "My, My, what beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look. This one is late. I bet, when it blooms it will be the most beautiful of them all."

Here I am, looking at the water, wondering when I will find another late blooming flower. But I will still continue to look. Here's to finally being ready to try.

You Are Poison - I'm Not Drinking It Anymore

I have been trying to wrap my head around you. Wondering why... why do you treat me like this... You throw me away after giving me a little piece of you. I come close and feel and you just disappear.  You have been an addiction for a long time ever since we met on Plenty of Fish a few years ago. I remember coming to your apartment off of Pantano. Your roommate was so nice and you were so perfect. That night I gave myself to you, which is something I never did before. I remember looking around your room seeing photos of the past and a girl. You weren't ready for anything and I understood that. We had life in us together. We were fluid you and I. Every night was perfect, every piece of you was perfect. We never got to date, we have been still two ships just passing by each other. I wanted to set sails with you, but you always found what you thought was a better boat. And I hope you find that boat. I am sorry for loving you because I realize you don't deserve it. You are just poison to me. I deserve someone who will bring life into me, like I hoped you would - like you do when we are together. But I just don't see this changing and I will always get a goodbye kiss from you...

Just please. don't be like that forever, love someone one day. Please. You deserve that, not a house that you are alone in or a room with memories of people who aren't even around anymore. Hard work in this life pays off, yes. But when are you going to finally start working on your heart? I makes me sad because maybe you don't see it but you are still staying still. You might be able to change aspects of this life and become hollow and focus on your work and trying to get all that you can in this physical part of life but I don't want you to realize that one day, you will have all that you wanted except the home you made is empty, and all your gains will not support anything except the walls that have no pictures. You will find yourself alone with empire you created. Loveless. And I want you to live and find happiness in those who you love and love you. Don't run away from it or find something wrong with it. Just let it all happen, let it all be.


Just please... don't be your own poison.

I wont let you be mine anymore.

Found a paper from Recovery back in October - "Who I pretend to be"/ "Who I really am"

Today as I was cleaning out another bag from moving home back in like March, I found one of my many purses that I have (I know I have a shopping problem). It had not been cleaned out after I used it the last time so I decided to clean it out as well. As I was going through the old papers, picking out coins, among some tissues was this mangled and folded paper. It was two papers stapled together so I opened it rather than putting it in the trash.

It was a paper we had to work on during the 3 months that I was in the eating disorder recovery place back in October. We worked a lot on ourselves during that time and sometimes we wrote things down. This was a worksheet we did, the first paper was, "Who I Pretend to Be," and the other is, "Who I really am." I remember writing this out and thinking it was silly, most of the other women there also weren't very happy about it because I think it was on the day that we talk about health.

There were already prewritten beginnings and we had to finish them. I will be writing mine out so you can read but I would also say, it might do you some good doing it too. When read it again, I was amazed at how I was feeling but it was true, oh so true.

Who I Pretend to Be
I pretend to be... strong
Most people don't know that I... need more help sometimes
I give the impression of... being knowledgable
The mask I wear is... being a leader
On the surface I am... sinking
The game I play is.... "I'm okay"
I hide behind... my responsibilities
I wear makeup because.... I like looking my best
The clothes I wear indicate.... how I want to feel
The car I drive shows that... I am loved and educated
My job or profession shows others that... I know what I am doing
The real me hides under... professional/life morals
How long I've been pretending is... my whole life
How often I pretend is... countless


Who I Really Am
I am... a human
The main thing about me is... I teach
I always... love to laugh
I feel most like me when... I can just relax
What I like the most about a person is... their ability to have fun
I will be... happy
I get angry when... others are not giving each other a chance
I feel happiest when... I'm with my friends
I believe in... everything
One thing I want to accomplish is... an easier (less dramatic) life
What I like most about myself is... my humor
I hate it when... others can't see there beauty
I was... always like that
I feel least like myself when... I can't see that beauty
If you really knew me... you might think I am depressed
I feel weakest when... I can't do something in my control
When I feel angry, I... don't talk and want to be alone
On a rainy day I like to... stand in the rain, watch the sky and breathe
I feel good when I remember... my students, my family and friends
When I am alone I feel... content
Most of all I really want... sleep
I was the type of child who... played alone
One thing I'd like to change about myself is... nothing
I feel strongest when... I am at work
On a beautiful day I like to... be outside breathing in the air and listen to the world
My favorite pastime is... watch Netflix and working alone
When I feel happy, I like to... be somewhere with a loved one
If my relationship with... my doubts... where to end... I would be endless.



I will do these again someday, it was nice to read and for my younger self to give me that gift to read them again and remember and compare what its like for me now.

Always Second Place - Rantings

You know what really frustrates me? The fact that I am in actually good woman that wants somebody to share moments or if it comes to it my whole life. When I am in a relationship I give my all even before the relationship I still give my all because I want them to know  that I am 100% in whatever we are doing because I believe that there may be a possibility between us. But what really frustrates me is the fact that I'm always picked second,  I am always number two when it comes to other girls and to men that I like.  Every single time I have been overlooked and I don't understand it. I just wish for once that someone would choose me for once.  Pick me first. Because it always seems like when they choose someone else they never get what they want and I know this is a little  conceited of me but I know that if they had just picked me first they would've gotten everything they wanted and more.  I know I'm not perfect but good woman, that wants to love someone and be their best friend,  and I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to be taken for granted, or looked as an option.  You see when I like you, when I really like you and I'm giving you the time of day in my busy life and I am making time to text you, to see you, and want to hang out with you because you mean something to me.  Because I don't fool around with my feelings and my emotions. I don't just think of you as an option or anyone that I have ever liked as a matter of fact as an option. I picked them they were my choice at that time.  So I'm just saying if I am giving you the time of the day don't fuck it up like the others have.  Even if you've done stupid shit and maybe you have taken me for granted and maybe wasn't the best man at one time and I'm still giving you the time of day please,  don't waste it. If we have chemistry and you let it just flyby and that's not fair to me or to you for not giving us a chance.  You're probably thinking this is just rantings of a crazy woman because one man harmed her but you're wrong they have all harmed me in someway and maybe I harmed them or maybe they came out unharmed or maybe I was the one that came out clean.  It happens, that is life and I get that. All I know is that a good person should never be taken for granted and should definitely not be in second place.  Shouldn't that person win at least once? All I want to do is do whatever I can to make you happy and make you content that's all I want to and somebody to do the same for me.  So if you did get a second chance or even a first, why not just go for it?  You might find yourself winning with me by your side both of us coming in first place.

It's not loneliness if you are the only one I think about by Rachelle Star

I didn't get to publish this poem. Honestly I forgot about it, I was cleaning out my notes in my phone and found it. Lots of feelings, sometimes I really do hate that I have them. But is it so wrong that someone could actually make me feel good again? Is that a crime to want to see where it goes? See if I could make him happy? It just feels so right. I haven't felt something like that, little voice in your head, saying go for it. I'm trying to go for it. Hopefully he lets us go for it too.

How did you do it?
How did you break in?
How did you do it?
How did you make me want to feel again?
Hard to breathe,
I look at you and you are everything I need,
You say you are bad,
But what I see is a man,
A man trying to find something but not knowing how to look,
A man scared of what he might find and realize it's been there for this whole time.
There you go,
Pushing away,
These feelings that won't go away,
It hurts,
How did you do it?
Why does it hurt?
People are expendable,
Except you,
How could you let this happen?
You are all that I wanted,
Don't look at your faults,
I can't see them,
I just see you,
The man,
Someone who did it,
Someone who crashed right through,
Someone who didn't even mean to,
The man who couldn't see my faults,
That someone who could only make me forget,
A man who loved me just right and didn't even know it,
A man who I will never have,
Because he didn't want to know it,
He didn't want to realize,
...I could every well... Fall for him.

By Rachelle Star

Next Chapter

Have you ever woke up one day and just wondered what is honestly the next piece to your life will be? Wanting more than anything someone to come home to and enjoy little mindless moments together with. I feel that time ticking away, and I get sad about it. The one person I want is too busy for me, he never makes time and says we can do things but work is all he really cares about. I'm just here holding my breath, even though I really shouldn't because it's not worth it.

I just don't understand why I put myself in these positions or have these feelings for people who just honestly don't give a fuck about me. Where is my Romeo? Where is my prince? Everyone seems to be finding theirs except me. All my friends are married or in a committed relationship or on the train to be. And I am just sitting here in an empty room. Waiting for something that isn't going to happen. And maybe it will one day but for now, I have to stop holding my breath. It's not worth it.

But I just see these girls and these men, that are so adorable and amazing together. I can't help but compare myself or my past relationships to. I can't help it and it makes me wonder and analyze... If they can have a relationship that is successful... Why can't I find one? What's wrong with me? Will I always be a woman who is a single teacher with too many animals? It just makes a person think a little harder especially since I am now going to be 25 in October.

I know, I know, 25 isn't old and I still have time, but I had plans with this time. I wanted to make plans by this age with someone. My clock is ticking and I have no idea what's in store for my life but I just hope it won't be when I am 35 or 40. I just know that being a partner to someone and one day being a parent would both be two great adventures. I'm not even scared anymore of it all anymore. If anything else I am starting to get scared that it will never happen. I know I have time, but life is so short. I don't want that part to be the ending portion of it, I want it to be my beginning.


I guess the next chapter is, just being me. Until someone wishes to write the next one with me.