Referring to, "Just a Memory" Post...

It is sort of amazing that I wrote that when I was so young, that I felt an emptiness after my grandmothers passing and felt like no one else could fill it. But I was wrong. The jerk that I always talk about on here, that boy who I loved for a really long time and was with but treated me at times pretty badly... he was sadly the one I let into that space of my heart. I discovered this when he finally left, it was the exact same feeling when my grandmother passed away. I went through all the stages of death after that relationship because there was a death. It was me. Now, I am not a ghost typing this, but I really did die both of those nights. They changed me. But one thing that he helped me realize is that, that emptiness could be filled. So since ending that part of me, I went on a search for something I lost - myself. 

I found greatness in me, that I had no idea was inside me. I even told him one day, thank you for letting me go (he hated that btw). I owe him nothing but a thank you for doing that one final thing to me. I discovered how strong I am, and beautiful. Before three years ago, if you were to say, hey you are gorgeous, I would have smiled and laughed. I never saw me, until I started putting back together all the pieces and adding new ones to my puzzle. 

So anyways that is my little add in right there... 

I thought it was just something important to add in. 

Love, 

Rachelle Star 

Diet of Hope

I started this 6 weeks ago. I am now on Phase 2 and am so excited for the accomplishments I have been able to do. But I am also excited for what is to come! They teach you portion control, give you menus to follow, and are amazing people - they are all so supportive. If you fall, they do not look down at you, they know it is hard to change how you eat, start working out almost everyday and stop thinking about food. For once in my life, I actually have hope that I will finally get to where I want to be weight and body wise. It is exciting, and I can't wait for my results in Phase 2! 

Here are my results of Phase 1:
BMI went from 35.1 to 32.5
I lost 14 pounds
Body fat went from 37.6 to 35.2
Waist = lost 4inches
Belly = lost about 4 inches
Hips = lost almost 5 inches
My labs all came back better, so I am now much healthier than I was before. I was pre-diabetic and now I am not. 

Just a Memory (November 26, 1999)

I wrote this in 2004 for a class. It was a memory essay we had to write about. I lost a dear friend, my grandmother on November 26, 1999. It is still one memory I have not forgotten, a lot before this date and especially in a few years past it are blurry. But that day, that night, my world had changed forever. I was just 8 years old and I already knew death close and personal. It took a long time to get over it, forget and forgive who took her away. I grew up a lot after it, and thankfully it did not destroy me but rather, like a lot of big moments (good or bad) of my life, I took what I needed to learn and I worked through it. It may take me a while to get over things, but the part I am proud of, is... yes,  I feel it, and at times I still get angry or sad, but I move on. I let it go. I don't let the people I loved go, but I just let things be and go on from there. I wrote this to try and help me, and actually it did. I am not saying that my loss is any more than someone else's but this is how I deal with things. I write or paint them out.

Here's my paper:

I remember the day that my grandma got killed and my grandpa got put in the hospital. But the one I remember the most, [is] death. My grandma's death happened 4 years ago, the day after one of the funniest holidays of the year - Thanksgiving, the day you really enjoy yourself with family and friends. Now when Thanksgiving comes around each year, for my family and me it is no longer a time of fun with family or a time of thanksgiving. I am telling this story about my grandma's death to help me get these memories out of my head.

November 26th, 1999 started out like any other day for me, nothing seemed different from any other day. The people seemed the same, just like any other day in my eight year old life. I was excited because my mom was taking me over to play at my best friend Amanda's house for the afternoon. Just before my mom and I were ready to leave my grandma called my mom on her cell phone and asked my mom if she could leave the movie my mom had told my grandma about outside on the door handle in a plastic bag for her and my grandpa to pick up. The movie was about a lady who was dying [A Walk to Remember, actually]. We put the movie on the handle and left for Amanda's house.

After we were at Amanda's for a few hours my mom got a call from the a lady at the hospital who said that my grandma and grandpa had gotten in an accident [which I did not know at the time] and she should go there as soon as possible. When my mom got back from the hospital several hours later, she was crying and every upset. She took me in her arms and told me that my grandma had died and that my grandpa was hurt very badly when their car was hit by another car. She said they had operated on grandpa and he would probably be alright but grandma had gone to heaven. I felt like I would never stop crying because I had lost the best friend I had ever had.

Since that day I have never been the same. I isolated myself from my friends and my family for the rest of the fourth grade. It still hurts, almost five years later the same way it hurt that night my mom told [me] she had died. Her death [is] still with me everyday and I feel like this pain and suffering will never go away. The space that my grandma filled in my heart is still empty. She stole a part of my heart when she died and it feels like a big black hole that no one can fill. She was my best friend and just like that she was gone.

When [you lose] one of your family members, someone your very close to, that is a day you never forget. The day my grandma died is one of those days, for me, a memory that I wish I could just forget.

Ending
I dedicate this story to my grandma,
To myself,
My family,
And to all of those people who know how I feel.

My grandma died the day after Thanksgiving, On November 26th, 1999 at 6:27pm

The Letter I found titled, "Dear my 12th self"

I am writing this letter pretty much exactly how it is on paper, so it stays my 8th grade self.

"I think eighth grade has been the best year of my life. No one this year has been mean to me and the one's that were mean everyday just don't even talk to me [anymore]. This was the year I lost most of my weight and I am pretty. People can't talk shit about me. I'm still quiet, and one things changed, I've gotten all straight A's this year. I love my homebase teacher, Mr. Bohland (he's syko). He is a really good pre-algebra teacher. I've gotten straight A's in his class.

HB Mr. Bohland
1st Mr. Bohland - Pre-Algebra
2nd Ms. Kalal - Science
3rd Mrs. Friend - Yearbook
4th Mrs. Friend - Yearbook
5th Mrs. Blomquist - Social Studies
6th Mrs. Montgomery - Language Arts
HB Mr. Bohland

My family life is a lot better than a lot of my friends. I have a loving mommy and a annoying (but I love him) grampa.

My friends are Nicole (Nicola - bff);Vicky (Victoria) (bff); Hope(Less) ; Henry and a lot others.

Sixth grade was one of the years I was still dealing with my gramma's death and skool and people did not help. People made fun of me my whole life and I had enough I bullied kids thinking it would ease my pain but it didn't and thought it would make people not make fun of me but it didn't it only got worse.

Seventh grade was when I started losing weight. I was quiet and hid behind my hair which hid more than my face, it hid my feelings. I dressed like a boy; I didn't really bully anyone that year. Suicide thoughts ran through my head around the end of the skool year.

6th and 7th grade was not all that bad its just I was sick of living and people not caring about what they said to me. It hurts to feel that.

I guess thats why I listen to people and try to help them because I know pain mentally. And why I have weird friends that have problems at home and do bad things.

This year (2006) in May I went to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico and went to RIU Palace - Resort Hotel (four star hotel) me and my mom's room # was 1047 it was awesome I hope to never forget.

I think I'll be graduating high skool. Getting straight A's and having a wonderful life. Have a scholarship to college and have my dreams come true. Be the same inside but different on the outside (beautiful, sexy and smart) have a boyfriend, be popular and weird.

Love ya,
Rachelle Star
Time finished 2:28pm
Date Monday, May 22, 2006"


It is sort of crazy to read this again, especially the ending, I had such high hopes for life 8th grade and I am really happy I did, because the rest of my life before that, I didn't look forward to anything and I was sad all the time.

But if I could write to her (my 8th grade self). I think she would be more than proud. This is essentially what I would write to her. And I think everyone should do this write a note to yourself, put it away and then forget and find it one day, read it and see how much has changed.

"Dear my 8th grade self,

I am so glad that you made it through all those things that you just merely touched on in your letter that bothered you. I am glad you made it this far. But just so you know, you graduated high school in 2010, and you got almost all straight A's and graduated with a GPA of like 3.8, you had a pretty wonderful high school experience and choosing drama as your elective was the best thing you ever did for yourself. You got more than one scholarship to college and you even got mostly A's there too, with a GPA of 3.7 and graduated with Magna Cum Laude with a Theatre education degree. You don't have a boyfriend right now (it might happen soon), but you have had a few. I would say that over all you are pretty "popular" and like to go out with your friends. I will admit that you probably are a bit strange still but that is perfectly okay! And the one thing I know you wanted to be was beautiful, sexy and smart, just like the drawings you used to draw and hope you would be like. You are all those things and your brain thinks you are too. You have confidence now and shine wherever you go because you always strive for the best. But just so you know something big has changed since then, your favorite thing to wear, are dresses and you love doing everything girlie like nails and makeup. You go to the gym and can do so much that you weren't able to do then. I am proud of you.

Love,
Your College Graduate Self
Rachelle Star
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Finish Time: 11:46am"

How this all started.

I have recently found a letter that I wrote when I was in the 8th grade. It was written for my 12th grade self. I will have to post it but it is pretty amazing what was also with it. A poem I had written about being a "misunderstood adolescent" (lol). A short essay I had written about my grandmother, her death and my experience, I will actually be posting that as well. Then I found the paper I had written that actually named this blog for me. Inside my Mind, was actually a short essay for a art magazine in my middle school. But there was another part to this title. The whole title was, Inside My Mind: Feeling Like A Nobody. That was an amazing find because I thought I had no more copies of it. I am glad that I found it too because I actually wanted to add to it the rest of the story; my story. I am mostly posting all this on here so that I don't loose it, it is an amazing part of me and I want to make sure that I don't forget it. When I read some of my old poems and papers, I am reminded of how far I have gotten, where I am now and how thankful I got to where I am.

I will post more later!

Love,

Rachelle Star

I am so sorry that I went away but things have been getting a little hectic...

You can always tell when things don't seem to go well in my life, and I have no idea who reads or even if you are reading and I am just merely talking to myself which is how this all started.

What has been going on in my life? 

Well, a lot actually. 

I graduated from my University with Magna Cum Laude. So I now I have degree and certification to work in the field that I love Theatre and most importantly, I get the chance to teach and share it, since my degree is in education as well. 

There is a lot of change happening, and at first I was not pleased with it, but I have come to realize that maybe it needs to happen. I started a new life change, where you work on you essentially and learn how to eat better, because I have also discovered that I am a addict to food (yes it really does exist) because when I went on this "diet" I realized just how much I was dependent on food, and I realize that you cannot live without eating, but you don't have to eat everything off your plate or go get seconds. I also realized my dependence on carbs and starches in my meals, I have cut that down dramatically and I believe that I feel actually a lot better now. I have also stopped (for now) eating sugar and also having a lower sodium diet. It is definitely hard but so far I have managed to have great success with it and it is a learning, slow process but I think over all it will be worth it in the end. It is called the Diet of Hope. I am actually on my 5th week, when I am finished with this first part, I will announce my weight loss in this 6 week program. And then I will be able to introduce other foods very soon. But I will admit, I have cheated on it, but sometimes you just have to, or it might come back to haunt you (it does that to me anyways). I also have been trying to go the gym almost everyday for AT LEAST 30 minutes. I am really enjoying it! 

On the animal front, I have now 4 pets, My two cats, Asian and Oz (he is the new addition). Then I have my dog, Echo. And now I have a little 11 month ferret named Mr. Parker because he climbs his cage literally like Spiderman. It is fun to have another ferret causing chaos in the house again; I missed it. The amazing thing is all the animals play with Mr. Parker, especially Oz. 

And oh, I have sort of something (maybe) happening in the love department, besides me actually dating again, and not just having little flings that go nowhere. I will not say his name, but I have known him for a while now, and we actually stopped talking for like a year and a half, then one day out of the blue he messaged me and asked if I would want to go somewhere with him and his friends. He is a gentleman, and that is something I am not used it. Like honestly really nice, when we started hanging out a long time ago, I had just been with that guy I write about a lot on here... So I was not in the best of sorts and just ignored the signs, just wanted a friend. I am glad that he seemed to not forget me and still wanted to pursue me because I want to try it. I need to try it, maybe who knows, it will work out. But I just know that I need someone that wants me in that way. I miss it. So maybe this will turn into something, at least that is my wish. I think my grampa would be happy about it, he always liked him. I know he likes me too, or at least he finds me attractive cause he told me he does. Some good solid base to work on! :) 

I will be getting back into this I am sorry for leaving like that. 

Love, 

Rachelle Star