Lonely At the Top

    Last class in one of my master program’s classes, my professor got real with us for one moment. The realest any of my professors had ever been. We were discussing what it was like being a principal of a high school, and how there will be a lot of situations we got through as a admin that many people will not go through in their life time. She then said that, “It gets really lonely at the top,” She went further into it that she has never felt so alone when she had her own school and teachers even, going against her because of a troubled student that wanted to slander everyone in her graduation speech. My professor had people that she thought she trusted and had her back, pull a “Caesar” on her. 

    It made me think about myself right now as a teacher, who is in charge of so many things that sometimes, I don’t even know what is, “up.” I am constantly working and trying to make sure everything is right and keep up with all my jobs (that is inside my one job). I have experienced this sense of loneliness before. Just today even, I was getting a every late email out to who I thought knew about this meeting that needed to take place today and I was emailed back quickly with frustration. But I played it off, and said I was sorry (I really thought they knew about the meeting already). I never realized how easy it was for someone to turn on someone, so quickly like that until I became a teacher (high schoolers can be fun). But any-who, I did not even slightly get upset by the comments, I just went on and tried to deescalate the issue (which I did). I knew they were not trying to come off rude or mean, they were just upset. But they are also my colleague... I am not their boss... but for a moment it sort of felt like that. 

I am nervous to think about how it will be when I am a principal... will I have to walk on egg shells? I wont be able to post myself on my own personal (private) facebook, having a drink with friends? What is this world coming to? I wont be able to have some sort of relationship with my staff? How will there be a community if one thing goes wrong and then I am the enemy? 

But as she was saying, that she doesn’t have any one to really speak about things that she is experiencing and even her husband sometimes doesn’t want to listen... it was so insane how... I am already dealing with that... 

So yes, I agree. It is very lonely at the top and I am not even really there yet. 

This thing called life

There is this thing called life. I am pretty sure you have heard of it. I have... and I think I am living it. But sometimes I am not completely sure because most of the time when I am outside its because of something that I have to do. I need to go grocery shopping, I need to go to work, I need to get cat litter, I need, I need, I need. I know that isn't always out it is but sometimes that is how it feels.

All I can think of is this thing called life because as I sit here watching a show on netflix, when I could be out enjoying myself with friends. I decided to stay. I decided. These words, need and decided, they are interesting are they not? So I looked up the exact definitions.

Need: Require (something) because it is essential or very important. 

Decide: Come to a resolution in the mind as a result of consideration. 

Life: the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death. 

That life definition confused the crap out of me because if that is life. Then I guess I am living it... but where does need and decide go into it? If I am just this organic matter that has the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity and continual change preceding death.... I sound pretty bland and bleak... like is there really life in that? Is that living? 

Living: 1. An income sufficient to live on or the means of earning it. 2. the pursuit of a lifestyle of the specified type. 

I feel like google is just playing with me. Living... wow, it's actually about the income that you make to make a living. Make a living. Making a sort of lifestyle that you want to live. So yes that is what I am doing, I work to live. But is that really what living means? Working to live? As I write this it becomes even more confusing. My need was life. So... I decided if I wanted to be living, I would need to work.

But I am still wondering about life. ..How to live. But I guess this will never be answered. 

Ugly Little Things

There are ugly little things in this world. I am writing this today because not everyone knows what is going on in anyone's life. Everything can seem perfect and wonderful but you don't see the ugly. They hid and creep around every corner and sometimes you can hid them... but most of the time you just try to get through the day without letting others see those ugly little things.

Everyone in this world has those ugly little things, so mine does not amount to much when it comes to a lot of people in this world. But they are MY ugly little things that sometimes get too heavy to bare. I smile, be positive, try to light up the world around me. I do my best to be there for others when I do not expect the same thing in return.

Then I also I have moments where I am crying in my truck and wondering why I am like this. The little ugly things will hit me like bricks that once only felt like the pitter-patter of rain. But see there is an issue there with that. I don't have a bad life. I have a pretty great one honestly. It is full of love and friends. I have a fantastic boyfriend who I share a lovely life with and home. I have my dream truck and I have a job that I do enjoy.

I am a teacher, I suffer from a few things, binge eating (eating disorder), depression, anxiety, plus anything that goes into those or are common with those type of issues - I will let you make your mind up on those ones. Sometimes people are surprised or put off by things they know about me.

"Wait... you do that?"

"Seriously? I didn't know that about you, you are so happy and vibrant."

Or it's more like...

"Oh lots of people go through that, it's okay!"

"Binge eating isn't a real eating disorder, you just like to eat."


Bashing my ugly little things does not help deal with them. They eat you alive.

Imagine you see an island in the distance. You keep swimming more and more, but the water is so cold and unfriendly. You just get so overwhelmed when a little heat front in the current comes and goes. You keep swimming because you just think that, "if I can get to that island, it will be okay." You go more and more but your legs and arms are getting tired of pushing and they are so cold and it is hard to move them. You forget that there could be tons of things under you, ready to pull you down and you might just let them because the weight of the water is just way too much. But you keep going and try your hardest to not let the water take you in, even though it would be so much easier to just let go and become one with the waves.


Even when you are mentally so-so please try to remember this. That is why I am writing this.

These are the ugly little things.

Eating disorders suck

My eating disorder is just so very happy with me but I'm not happy with it... Life is good and busy. I'm happy with my relationship but with relationships comes what I call, "happy pounds." They don't have to stay of course but it's still upsetting because of how hard I worked to only gain most of it back. Plus my job and some health issues have gotten in the way as of late with working out and finding that time again and energy.

This is... Upsetting and brings back a lot of insecurities and mental discomfort. It's a lot of anxiety and a ton of over thinking but there my eating disorder lives. Its back getting to me more and more. Speaking to me through my own thoughts, continuously beating me down on my relationship, my health, my eating, my clothes, my work, my home life, my friends, my family, my looks, my motivation. Constant judgement no matter what or where I go.

Even if it's a catch of the past or just a image of myself in a window. It is always there. Sometimes I can make it be quieter... But sometimes. It finds a way back to the front of your mind like a virus in a computer. The only thing is... We can't just be cleared of that virus. All you can do is try to get the the core of the issue and try to put it back to where it belongs... Which is out of my head.

Note: Please never get depression, anxiety or ED's messed up. They are all different. I suffer from all of the above. They work in different ways but I know that I have put them in their place before... I am hoping before they get too out of control... I can put them back.

Something I didnt Need

To put this in the words of one of my favourite bands... "I am everything I want, I am everything you need, I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be, I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why..."

You have literally been that for me... For months. The moment I met you, and we shared that night. I wish we would have met on better terms because my heart just wants to fall for you. My heart wants to love you but you have made yourself so clear that it's just not in the picture.

Trying to go away from you has only made me regret it more and more. God, I wish you just wanted me. I wanted you four months of this. And it keeps getting better and I hate you for that. Why do you have to be so fucking cute? Literally in everything you do... Why can't I just hate you for this. Hate you for making me fall for you.

It's my own fault. I fell for someone again. Who just doesn't want me. The person who has turned into one of my good friends and lover... Just can't take me.

I didn't think this would hurt so much. I didn't think I would start to fall or get invested but here you are and I just can't get you out of my heart.

I guess it's better to have loved than lost... But I just hate always losing. But I'm so scared of losing you and getting close to you at the same time.

The fact is... I might actually... Could possibly, almost, practically... Love you

But sadly, you broke my heart.

Just one wish

Dating and I have never been friends, when something good happens to me like finding someone, they always turn into something other than human. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I don't deserve someone that is honest, loving, sincere, funny and just over all a good person. When I meet someone, I want to jump too fast because they jumped in, then they get freaked and run away. For once I would like to find someone who would just run to me, not away. It's scary as is, and then there are complications... like timing. Bad timing and I would appear to be best friends but all I want to do is break up that pair.

Sometimes I feel like I have to believe that my mate, is off somewhere in a coma, at least he's there, on earth even though I will never get to meet him. Dating is so difficult and I wish for once it would work out. For once I wish timing was on my side.

Then there is one final issue with dating and I... I have the worst luck and I fuck up a lot. I used to mess up all the time because all I wanted was a relationship. My methods were not the best and my friends definitely frowned upon them. I am not proud of some of the things that I did or have done. I get weird when I try to date. I don't hide or run away, but my mind tries to disconnect from my feelings. I need open communication or my mind goes insane at a thousand miles per hour. To understand this a bit more, my favorite movie is "He's just not that into you."

But when it comes down to it everyone has flaws, and I have mine. Everyone seems to be finding that person that accepts those. But just once I wish someone would take those and my scars... and love them. This world Is too crazy to live it alone.

Maybe he's not in a coma, and he might even be out there looking for me too. My inner self is screaming out to our world, "I'm right here! Waiting for you!"

I'm tired. And I just wish my heart would get that memo.

I do know one thing... when someone gives me a chance and it feels right to me. I'll stop wishing for my mate. I will feel pretty damn lucky.

Ramblings

This might just be ramblings of a woman who doesn't trust and has been hurt too much. This might just be a speech about a woman just looking for someone and just never having the luck to get there. This world is harsh and I have recently gotten out of the darkness that I have been in for almost half a decade. I know 5 years doesn't seem that much, but when your own mind is your hell. 5 years seems like a lifetime. I am proud of myself for letting myself have a chance at staying brave in this life and trying to be wise but also not closed off to this world anymore. Its hard to be that closed off, from everything. Feelings are not an issue but happiness is also not found there. People leaving are no problem but relationships (in any form) are not complete.

That is who I have been. Empty. Unfeeling. Simple. Confined. But thats not who I actually am. There is nothing hollow about me, nor am I simple and I love being free. Feelings are a constant for me and I used to always be connected to them and sometimes I have no idea how to deal with them now. Ever since this year, my heart hurts with feelings that I buried for so long. "Don't let anyone get close," or "People are only temporary," these were some of my rules. Smile on the outside, so no one sees in. This year I have been trying to get a handle on feelings. It feels like the the wall I built in my mind and around my heart, started to crack and went like a flood to my heart.

I would never wish this on anyone. Relearning how to integrate feelings is one of the hardest things. Learning how to let people in more than just on the surface. Trusting people that they have good intentions. Letting someone try to love you. And most importantly... you letting yourself love someone.