So this Herbalife stuff.

I have been doing this health kick, called Herbalife. Now here's some back story of my "diets..." My first diet to ever be put on was when I was 10 years old, I grew up in a home where everyone was skinny and they would make it known that I was the chubby one of the family. I have been on about 40 different diets since then, I can name only a few of them because the most ridiculously named ones I can for some reason not remember them. HCG (when it first came out officially and the calorie count was about 500 a day), Atkins diet (all of them), and Dr. Kuazman and some magic pills. All of these I saw weight just drop off, but they did not prepare me for when I would be without them.

I have been on Herbalife for about 4 months now, and I can just say, I have seen inches, go down, but not weight too much (which is good, even though I want to loose weight sooner or later), I am now on a real life change of eating (which the nutrition club I joined gave me) it comprises of eating 6 small meals a day, and actually I am eating my last one right now, a protein bar.

I've only been on this new meal change for about a week and a day but I really like it and thought it would be a lot harder than it actually was to change. I actually find it a lot better, because I am just, right in hunger and not constantly full. This has already been showing that I sleep better without a full stomach and I feel as if my metabolism is responding well to it.

I know though, for a fact that I used to get dizziness, nausea, migraines, and even was sick for about 5 months before my friend showed this. My doctors did every type of test but found nothing, and more and more all those problems just went away and my doctors are astonished how healthy I now am compared to how I was in just a few months.

I mean it could just be mental, but I seriously can't wait to see what happens in the next few months.

Oh and I re-dyed my hair again! Its more blue and more wonderful, but just in the right places.

Thanks for reading!
Rachelle Star

Before I forget,

Last night, I had a sort of awakening, even since my ex, I found out that I had shut myself down essentially. I am not sure how I did it, but its so hard for me to feel anything and it sucks but with my grandfather's passing and how hard I cried. I just knew that I was just holding this wall up inside of me and was not letting anything come through. 

Its amazing how much you can lose yourself in someone, and sometimes not even notice the whole damage and toll they have taken on you. 

But, there is this friend of mine that, really made me discover a few things. I hung out with him and we watched a movie at his place. He kissed me. At first this made me confused and I was not sure what to think. By the end of the night, I kissed him before leaving (and don't worry only kissing happened). But the thing is, I forgot what that was like. He was the first guy, I honestly felt right kissing in a long time and I just let myself go, relax and breathe. It was amazing. 

And it left me, honestly, wanting more moments with him. Which, I did not expect but am glad he was so brave. 

I told you in previous posts that this was seeming like a year of new men and it is. But please don't take me for going around a lot, cause I don't at all. And I make that known to all the men have ever been interested in. And he respects that. And I have no idea what is going to happen in the future, but I feel like this is a good starting point and I am really happy that I am starting to try and open my heart up again, because I am tired of being this uptight and structured, always hiding behind my work, trying to forget, when I should be trying to remember: its okay to feel. 

Thanks for reading. 

Rachelle Star 

So here's my update...

The play, I am still writing it currently, and I apologize for that, some events have happened and its been a little tough to catch up.

Since my last post:

I started student teaching, that has been very exciting and fun, which I have been needing lately.

I lost someone very dear to me, on the morning of January 1st this year. My grandfather, aka gramps, or papa, as I would like to call him. He died at 95 and a half. He was the only man that never left me, always loved me (even though he hardly told me).

I miss my grampa a lot but I know that is selfish of me because he is in a better place now (yes, I believe in heaven). He's with my other favorite person, my grandmother. We had a great run though, he would always pick me up from school, write me notes, and encourage me to do well in school. He did a lot of things, he let my mom and I move in when we needed help.

My mom and I took care of him. This past year was beyond great with him. Even though we had to finally put him in a home, my mother would go every night to put him to bed, and I would go sometimes instead, to give her a break. I took him out a lot, we would go to appointments he had with his doctors and then I would take him out for lunch or early dinner. I miss our talks, we would always talk about student teaching, my future and how boys should be after my graduation in May because I need to focus on my schooling. I didn't know that he wouldn't be here and not even see my first day of my last semester or see me walk at my college graduation.

Tonight was the first night that my mom and I went to a movie together, on "date-night," in a couple years. He would kick us out on Saturday nights and we would have to go out to a movie so he could bring his girlfriend's home.

But tonight, and a few other things like having family dinner without him really hit me hard. He was my best friend, we might have fought a lot and sometimes did not see eye to eye but as he told me the day before we put him in hospice because his body was shutting down and it hurt to talk, the first thing he told me was, "here's my girl." Because I was, and I still am.

Thankfully, he passed away very peacefully and my mother was there to see him off. He did it just the way he always wanted to. But I am going to miss him, I am just glad have school still, cause I have no idea what I would do without something to keep my mind out of being sad and just trying to work on the future.

Thanks for reading.
Rachelle Star

You know what scares the upmost shit out of me?

There is a guy that I have been in love with for going on 7 years now. We have dated, a lot. Lived together, and he was the boy I experienced all of my firsts with romantically. We are lethal to each other though. None of my friends or family like him or think that he is good for me. And through this time that we have not been together I feel that they might be right. I love him to the end of the universe and back but he always falls less for me. Every time he comes back to me but the fact that he leaves me every time makes me wonder his love or even my worth to him. I have been there for a lot of his times he needed help.

He is like a drug to me. He just uses me up and then almost drops me like I never happened. Keeps me around like I am some toy from his childhood that he just can't get rid of but those new shiny toys keep grabbing his eyes.

I know I deserve better. And believe me that has taken me a long time to get to that point. He dragged my soul around for all these years and when I started realizing these things, I felt stupid, more than I have ever felt in my entire life thus far.

I let someone define me, and when he let me go, I had no idea who I was. Even better is that, now after a year and a half of having someone else again, he is starting to realize he should never had left. But that is wrong in my book. So wrong. I love him and probably will love him forever. And I have no idea why but he is not good for me. No matter how much I think he will change, he wont, he just wont. He can't, people are the way they are. A part might change but over all they are still they same people.


But it comes to this. For some weird reason, I have always had this fear that, he is the only one that will want me. I know that is a silly thing to say but I put myself out there, flirt and I get nothing. We just mesh so well, and I know he is my kryptonite but no matter what I do he is there, and those I like want nothing to do with me.

Something that was once something that I never wanted, is now my worst fear.

It would be nice to love someone for once that thought the world of you rather than choose the world and then come back, over and over, each time getting harder and harder to come back to. I mean why can't we have both?

I don't know who is reading this or who will, but I am writing this most of all for me. That is how this whole blog started. I know I sound like a stupid sap and it seems so easy to just leave and start a new, but its so hard to leave when things are so uncertain and love for me that I would hate losing, doesn't come that much.

Thank you for reading,
Rachelle Star

New Play Coming in the Next Few Weeks.

I am going to be writing an Expressionist play, well, attempting to for a class. I already have the beginning in my head and it wants to be written, I can feel it, but I have a lot more to write, and those projects are for grades, so I need to get those out of the way this Thanksgiving weekend.

Hopefully it goes well and I do.

Need to see this guy (the crush) to get him out of my head, its hard to focus sometimes. And I don't know why it bugs me so much. But it does, because usually I can read people but I can't read him. That is a first for me.

- Rachelle Star

For a second by Rachelle Star

For a Second 
By Rachelle Star 

There was once a moment in time,
You graced your smile my way.
There was a second that you loved me.
How did we get so far away?
So far from what we used to know?
Now just strangers in this wake of the unforgiven,
Careful lies and witty deceit lay on our base,
Little did I know,
I was really far from what I thought was home,
But now I know,
You were never mine,
Although I was lead on to thinking we had more time,
The clock was ticking but you never lead on,
Till the toll was rung,
That second past,
And all I once thought I knew was gone,
The chance I believed we had was really just you filling time,
Love that was only meant for dreams,
except in that second,
Where I truly believed,
That in your heart, was where I was supposed to be.

I have a little secret...

I am a girl that is not thin, I think I am pretty but sometimes when it comes to guys liking me I don't think that cuts it.

I have a crush and it has been a long time since I have had one. This year has really been a year of guys since my ex broke up with me. I am not saying I am a slut, I don't sleep with them or anything of the like. But I hangout with guys as friends and they start to like me for just being me. Some of my friends say I flirt but honestly I am really friendly and nice and I will just talk to people I don't know because they seem like they needed a smile.

 But any-who, so this crush. We have been hanging out, but these hangout's have been a little more than friends, like a kiss or something. All PG-13 stuff. And I have been fighting with myself, trying to not like him, because I am scared of getting hurt because to be honest, I feel as though I am out of his league. And this is the first time I have ever felt that way in my life and that scares the crap out of me. I feel like a little teenage girl writing this in my diary but I needed to tell someone. And, if he were to see this and figure it out, oh well, maybe that will put an end to this or a start in something wonderful.

He seems interested because of how we act together, but then when I try to talk about it, he doesn't want to hear it. He just got out of a relationship like 6 months ago and he loved her so I wonder if he is just pushing me away cause of that, or if he thinks he can get someone better. It is just sort of sucky though, cause why not just let it happen? Cause who knows how it will go and it could be amazing or we could find out that we are better friends. BUT I WISH WE COULD AT LEAST TALK ABOUT IT. Resolve it. Because honestly, I really enjoy spending time with him, and I did just break up with someone, but I don't know why put I haven't felt a connection like this since I was 16 with the guy that broke up with me a year ago for good.

And to be honest the last time I put my neck out there, and told someone I was interested... jokes on me because they were married.

SO I am not the best at this type of stuff to say the least. But that is my not-so secret anymore and I am stuck.

Thank you for reading,
Rachelle Star