You know what scares the upmost shit out of me?

There is a guy that I have been in love with for going on 7 years now. We have dated, a lot. Lived together, and he was the boy I experienced all of my firsts with romantically. We are lethal to each other though. None of my friends or family like him or think that he is good for me. And through this time that we have not been together I feel that they might be right. I love him to the end of the universe and back but he always falls less for me. Every time he comes back to me but the fact that he leaves me every time makes me wonder his love or even my worth to him. I have been there for a lot of his times he needed help.

He is like a drug to me. He just uses me up and then almost drops me like I never happened. Keeps me around like I am some toy from his childhood that he just can't get rid of but those new shiny toys keep grabbing his eyes.

I know I deserve better. And believe me that has taken me a long time to get to that point. He dragged my soul around for all these years and when I started realizing these things, I felt stupid, more than I have ever felt in my entire life thus far.

I let someone define me, and when he let me go, I had no idea who I was. Even better is that, now after a year and a half of having someone else again, he is starting to realize he should never had left. But that is wrong in my book. So wrong. I love him and probably will love him forever. And I have no idea why but he is not good for me. No matter how much I think he will change, he wont, he just wont. He can't, people are the way they are. A part might change but over all they are still they same people.


But it comes to this. For some weird reason, I have always had this fear that, he is the only one that will want me. I know that is a silly thing to say but I put myself out there, flirt and I get nothing. We just mesh so well, and I know he is my kryptonite but no matter what I do he is there, and those I like want nothing to do with me.

Something that was once something that I never wanted, is now my worst fear.

It would be nice to love someone for once that thought the world of you rather than choose the world and then come back, over and over, each time getting harder and harder to come back to. I mean why can't we have both?

I don't know who is reading this or who will, but I am writing this most of all for me. That is how this whole blog started. I know I sound like a stupid sap and it seems so easy to just leave and start a new, but its so hard to leave when things are so uncertain and love for me that I would hate losing, doesn't come that much.

Thank you for reading,
Rachelle Star