Inner Demons that I have...

I have alway had some type of depression ever since I was about 8 years old. I thought I had it all figured out, and then somewhere along the way, I just started breaking. I fell to pieces in these last two years and when I start to get a feel for it, something else happens.

Hey, it's life, right? But it doesn't mean it hurts any less or fuck with my head. My mind used to be such a great place to be for me, and now it is almost like that is the one place I wish I could get away from. My head just fucks with me, my life and everyone inside of it.

I watch Netflix at home, 24/7 to not let the silence get to me, but it still does sometimes, like today. Just days where I want to cry, because I don't know what to do anymore.

"Stay positive," "things will be okay," sayings like this running around me, and I try to listen to happy music even. How can someone get into your own head and just turn all of your emotions into one shitty pile, so you become alienated and start to wonder what is a dream and what isn't.

I feel alone, even though I am not. But it just seems to be getting worse and worse and I am running out of fuel, but not to worry, I think suicide is one of the worst things to do to your loved ones and to yourself, so I will find another way to resolve these inner conflicts.

Thanks for reading.
Rachelle Star

PS. I thought I would say that I have been one this diet and meal change for two weeks and I have lost 6 pounds thus far. My life isn't bad, I just wish my head would let me enjoy it.

So this Herbalife stuff.

I have been doing this health kick, called Herbalife. Now here's some back story of my "diets..." My first diet to ever be put on was when I was 10 years old, I grew up in a home where everyone was skinny and they would make it known that I was the chubby one of the family. I have been on about 40 different diets since then, I can name only a few of them because the most ridiculously named ones I can for some reason not remember them. HCG (when it first came out officially and the calorie count was about 500 a day), Atkins diet (all of them), and Dr. Kuazman and some magic pills. All of these I saw weight just drop off, but they did not prepare me for when I would be without them.

I have been on Herbalife for about 4 months now, and I can just say, I have seen inches, go down, but not weight too much (which is good, even though I want to loose weight sooner or later), I am now on a real life change of eating (which the nutrition club I joined gave me) it comprises of eating 6 small meals a day, and actually I am eating my last one right now, a protein bar.

I've only been on this new meal change for about a week and a day but I really like it and thought it would be a lot harder than it actually was to change. I actually find it a lot better, because I am just, right in hunger and not constantly full. This has already been showing that I sleep better without a full stomach and I feel as if my metabolism is responding well to it.

I know though, for a fact that I used to get dizziness, nausea, migraines, and even was sick for about 5 months before my friend showed this. My doctors did every type of test but found nothing, and more and more all those problems just went away and my doctors are astonished how healthy I now am compared to how I was in just a few months.

I mean it could just be mental, but I seriously can't wait to see what happens in the next few months.

Oh and I re-dyed my hair again! Its more blue and more wonderful, but just in the right places.

Thanks for reading!
Rachelle Star

Before I forget,

Last night, I had a sort of awakening, even since my ex, I found out that I had shut myself down essentially. I am not sure how I did it, but its so hard for me to feel anything and it sucks but with my grandfather's passing and how hard I cried. I just knew that I was just holding this wall up inside of me and was not letting anything come through. 

Its amazing how much you can lose yourself in someone, and sometimes not even notice the whole damage and toll they have taken on you. 

But, there is this friend of mine that, really made me discover a few things. I hung out with him and we watched a movie at his place. He kissed me. At first this made me confused and I was not sure what to think. By the end of the night, I kissed him before leaving (and don't worry only kissing happened). But the thing is, I forgot what that was like. He was the first guy, I honestly felt right kissing in a long time and I just let myself go, relax and breathe. It was amazing. 

And it left me, honestly, wanting more moments with him. Which, I did not expect but am glad he was so brave. 

I told you in previous posts that this was seeming like a year of new men and it is. But please don't take me for going around a lot, cause I don't at all. And I make that known to all the men have ever been interested in. And he respects that. And I have no idea what is going to happen in the future, but I feel like this is a good starting point and I am really happy that I am starting to try and open my heart up again, because I am tired of being this uptight and structured, always hiding behind my work, trying to forget, when I should be trying to remember: its okay to feel. 

Thanks for reading. 

Rachelle Star 

So here's my update...

The play, I am still writing it currently, and I apologize for that, some events have happened and its been a little tough to catch up.

Since my last post:

I started student teaching, that has been very exciting and fun, which I have been needing lately.

I lost someone very dear to me, on the morning of January 1st this year. My grandfather, aka gramps, or papa, as I would like to call him. He died at 95 and a half. He was the only man that never left me, always loved me (even though he hardly told me).

I miss my grampa a lot but I know that is selfish of me because he is in a better place now (yes, I believe in heaven). He's with my other favorite person, my grandmother. We had a great run though, he would always pick me up from school, write me notes, and encourage me to do well in school. He did a lot of things, he let my mom and I move in when we needed help.

My mom and I took care of him. This past year was beyond great with him. Even though we had to finally put him in a home, my mother would go every night to put him to bed, and I would go sometimes instead, to give her a break. I took him out a lot, we would go to appointments he had with his doctors and then I would take him out for lunch or early dinner. I miss our talks, we would always talk about student teaching, my future and how boys should be after my graduation in May because I need to focus on my schooling. I didn't know that he wouldn't be here and not even see my first day of my last semester or see me walk at my college graduation.

Tonight was the first night that my mom and I went to a movie together, on "date-night," in a couple years. He would kick us out on Saturday nights and we would have to go out to a movie so he could bring his girlfriend's home.

But tonight, and a few other things like having family dinner without him really hit me hard. He was my best friend, we might have fought a lot and sometimes did not see eye to eye but as he told me the day before we put him in hospice because his body was shutting down and it hurt to talk, the first thing he told me was, "here's my girl." Because I was, and I still am.

Thankfully, he passed away very peacefully and my mother was there to see him off. He did it just the way he always wanted to. But I am going to miss him, I am just glad have school still, cause I have no idea what I would do without something to keep my mind out of being sad and just trying to work on the future.

Thanks for reading.
Rachelle Star