You know what scares the upmost shit out of me?

There is a guy that I have been in love with for going on 7 years now. We have dated, a lot. Lived together, and he was the boy I experienced all of my firsts with romantically. We are lethal to each other though. None of my friends or family like him or think that he is good for me. And through this time that we have not been together I feel that they might be right. I love him to the end of the universe and back but he always falls less for me. Every time he comes back to me but the fact that he leaves me every time makes me wonder his love or even my worth to him. I have been there for a lot of his times he needed help.

He is like a drug to me. He just uses me up and then almost drops me like I never happened. Keeps me around like I am some toy from his childhood that he just can't get rid of but those new shiny toys keep grabbing his eyes.

I know I deserve better. And believe me that has taken me a long time to get to that point. He dragged my soul around for all these years and when I started realizing these things, I felt stupid, more than I have ever felt in my entire life thus far.

I let someone define me, and when he let me go, I had no idea who I was. Even better is that, now after a year and a half of having someone else again, he is starting to realize he should never had left. But that is wrong in my book. So wrong. I love him and probably will love him forever. And I have no idea why but he is not good for me. No matter how much I think he will change, he wont, he just wont. He can't, people are the way they are. A part might change but over all they are still they same people.


But it comes to this. For some weird reason, I have always had this fear that, he is the only one that will want me. I know that is a silly thing to say but I put myself out there, flirt and I get nothing. We just mesh so well, and I know he is my kryptonite but no matter what I do he is there, and those I like want nothing to do with me.

Something that was once something that I never wanted, is now my worst fear.

It would be nice to love someone for once that thought the world of you rather than choose the world and then come back, over and over, each time getting harder and harder to come back to. I mean why can't we have both?

I don't know who is reading this or who will, but I am writing this most of all for me. That is how this whole blog started. I know I sound like a stupid sap and it seems so easy to just leave and start a new, but its so hard to leave when things are so uncertain and love for me that I would hate losing, doesn't come that much.

Thank you for reading,
Rachelle Star

New Play Coming in the Next Few Weeks.

I am going to be writing an Expressionist play, well, attempting to for a class. I already have the beginning in my head and it wants to be written, I can feel it, but I have a lot more to write, and those projects are for grades, so I need to get those out of the way this Thanksgiving weekend.

Hopefully it goes well and I do.

Need to see this guy (the crush) to get him out of my head, its hard to focus sometimes. And I don't know why it bugs me so much. But it does, because usually I can read people but I can't read him. That is a first for me.

- Rachelle Star

For a second by Rachelle Star

For a Second 
By Rachelle Star 

There was once a moment in time,
You graced your smile my way.
There was a second that you loved me.
How did we get so far away?
So far from what we used to know?
Now just strangers in this wake of the unforgiven,
Careful lies and witty deceit lay on our base,
Little did I know,
I was really far from what I thought was home,
But now I know,
You were never mine,
Although I was lead on to thinking we had more time,
The clock was ticking but you never lead on,
Till the toll was rung,
That second past,
And all I once thought I knew was gone,
The chance I believed we had was really just you filling time,
Love that was only meant for dreams,
except in that second,
Where I truly believed,
That in your heart, was where I was supposed to be.

I have a little secret...

I am a girl that is not thin, I think I am pretty but sometimes when it comes to guys liking me I don't think that cuts it.

I have a crush and it has been a long time since I have had one. This year has really been a year of guys since my ex broke up with me. I am not saying I am a slut, I don't sleep with them or anything of the like. But I hangout with guys as friends and they start to like me for just being me. Some of my friends say I flirt but honestly I am really friendly and nice and I will just talk to people I don't know because they seem like they needed a smile.

 But any-who, so this crush. We have been hanging out, but these hangout's have been a little more than friends, like a kiss or something. All PG-13 stuff. And I have been fighting with myself, trying to not like him, because I am scared of getting hurt because to be honest, I feel as though I am out of his league. And this is the first time I have ever felt that way in my life and that scares the crap out of me. I feel like a little teenage girl writing this in my diary but I needed to tell someone. And, if he were to see this and figure it out, oh well, maybe that will put an end to this or a start in something wonderful.

He seems interested because of how we act together, but then when I try to talk about it, he doesn't want to hear it. He just got out of a relationship like 6 months ago and he loved her so I wonder if he is just pushing me away cause of that, or if he thinks he can get someone better. It is just sort of sucky though, cause why not just let it happen? Cause who knows how it will go and it could be amazing or we could find out that we are better friends. BUT I WISH WE COULD AT LEAST TALK ABOUT IT. Resolve it. Because honestly, I really enjoy spending time with him, and I did just break up with someone, but I don't know why put I haven't felt a connection like this since I was 16 with the guy that broke up with me a year ago for good.

And to be honest the last time I put my neck out there, and told someone I was interested... jokes on me because they were married.

SO I am not the best at this type of stuff to say the least. But that is my not-so secret anymore and I am stuck.

Thank you for reading,
Rachelle Star

A weekend of first's

I went to a Thespian State Conference this past weekend for the first time by myself and as a workshop leader. I drove there and slept in a hotel room alone for the first time. It was sort of nice to feel like at adult and be treated as such. These are photos from  my last workshop out of all four because they were some of the best students I got to know for 75 minutes. They were so creative and we played a good amount of theatre activities, like invisible forces, link-tag, essence machines and negative spaces. It was a lot of fun and honestly I cannot wait to student teach this Spring and bring some of these collaborative theatrical exercises. :)

- Rachelle Star

Me at the The All Souls Procession 2013

A Slip of the Lace

SO this past weekend I helped a little with a Film at my University

I was hair designer, and then I became Costume Designer and then somehow I became a set dresser.

3 jobs in three days. I was exhausted but all of our hard work, might actually pay off. I hope :)

Here are some photos I took, had to make a wedding dress with pieces of fabric, figure out how to wash a dress and dry it in less than 30 minutes and sow another part to it, do two hair designs, and somehow make a vanity with things I already had.

During this I somehow got homework done. I am not too sure how but I hope you enjoy!

- Rachelle Star

Feedspot people!

http://www.feedspot.com/u/7ecebbc3ef87


If you are on Feedspot this is me. I promise. :)

- Rachelle Star

Hey so I am on Feedspot thanks to you lovely people who have followed me! :D

Thank you!

I am so glad people are actually looking at what I am writing!


YOU GUYS ARE SO GREAT

Please leave comments if you can. That would be great!

And if you have any ideas for new paints or poems hit me up on FollowSpot!

Love,
Rachelle Star

So school has been insane, and I have not been able to really enjoy myself at all. I have no idea if anyone is reading this. BUT I thought I would come on here and say:

I AM SO SORRY

It has been a little hard for me lately some new things have happened and yeah... I had a lot of stuff happen last year around this time of year. And its coming up to the date of it and a few other old wounds. Plus with school being hectic and my life not really going how I wanted it to go lately.

I know I should be thankful for what I do have, and I am. I know everyone has problems also, but sometimes, I wished I had someone to help this pain go away cause I love being happy. And I haven't been fully happy in a very long time, in fact it is going on a year and a half in about 3 weeks.

I just wish I could be as happy as I was before all this. I never let anything get to me, and then I opened myself up to someone, and they took the world right out of my hands.

Who knows, maybe I will be feeling like writing soon...

- Thank you for reading I will try to post soon...
Rachelle Star

So I apologize for not posting in a while. I have been pretty busy with the new school year starting up...
trying to just stay afloat.

But yeah, if anyone reads my blog. I would love to hear from you.

email me but please say something in the heading that is like a marker, showing me that you are from the blog.

I will be posting photos of older art soon.

but yeah,

email me:

rachellestar1234@gmail.com

Open to new ideas of art, also photography. But please no weird stuff.

- RachelleStar

The Unnoticed - An absurdist play by RachelleStar

ALSO: I actually posted this not too long ago, for extra credit in my Biology class this summer.


This is a play I wrote called The Unnoticed.

I had written this a long time ago but I never felt that it was finished, but now I think I figured out what it was missing.

This is an Absurdist play. Please do not copy me, I am merely showing a play that I wrote to see what people think of it. I am thinking about sending it in to a publisher. It is short but I think it could be a good little play to add into somewhere. It is on another blog but I thought it looked so good that I should not put it on here as a link.

Thank you to anyone who reads this and if you can tell me what you think,
Rachelle Star

http://www.biologystories.com/story159.html

This is the newest addition, I am not done yet though, I think I am going to add some more color or something. 

But also I forgot to say that I actually recently started a new diet, its more like protein shakes, but lets see what happens I will post updates! 

-RachelleStar

A new painting: "Start of Something New"

Pretty soon, I hope to be starting to learn how to DJ at a local radio station. And maybe even getting hooked up with a local glass-blower so I can learn how to :) 

School starts soon! I am excited to start my Senior year. 

My summer school went well, 45 days and 17 units. In my classes I got achieved an C, two B's and two A's. Not bad I say. 

- Rachelle Star 

A piece of art made for a piece of art by RachelleStar

I directed a little 5 minute play that was from a bigger production with 6 plays from The Bully Play's. This is about a girl that you never actually see or hear, but you feel her during the whole show through her 5 bullies that in the end of the play actually drive her to hang herself. This play is one of the most intense plays that I have ever read and was so glad to direct my cast to create a wonder representation of what the playwright had wanted for this masterpiece. The play is called, "Her," by Geraldine Ann Snyder.