Ramblings

This might just be ramblings of a woman who doesn't trust and has been hurt too much. This might just be a speech about a woman just looking for someone and just never having the luck to get there. This world is harsh and I have recently gotten out of the darkness that I have been in for almost half a decade. I know 5 years doesn't seem that much, but when your own mind is your hell. 5 years seems like a lifetime. I am proud of myself for letting myself have a chance at staying brave in this life and trying to be wise but also not closed off to this world anymore. Its hard to be that closed off, from everything. Feelings are not an issue but happiness is also not found there. People leaving are no problem but relationships (in any form) are not complete.

That is who I have been. Empty. Unfeeling. Simple. Confined. But thats not who I actually am. There is nothing hollow about me, nor am I simple and I love being free. Feelings are a constant for me and I used to always be connected to them and sometimes I have no idea how to deal with them now. Ever since this year, my heart hurts with feelings that I buried for so long. "Don't let anyone get close," or "People are only temporary," these were some of my rules. Smile on the outside, so no one sees in. This year I have been trying to get a handle on feelings. It feels like the the wall I built in my mind and around my heart, started to crack and went like a flood to my heart.

I would never wish this on anyone. Relearning how to integrate feelings is one of the hardest things. Learning how to let people in more than just on the surface. Trusting people that they have good intentions. Letting someone try to love you. And most importantly... you letting yourself love someone.

Somewhere along the way

Another relationship ended, the one I wrote about last... I had such high hopes. They say the relationships you have are usually how you view yourself. I never believed it until someone put it in my face and I had to look at the ugly truth. I am sorry if this offends anyone but I need to get this out of my head.

I never thought I had a "type," because I have dated, small or large, tall or short, all races, and just they have never been the same. Until my best friend, pointed out that I do chose certain people. I chose those that still have a lot of work, fixer-uppers if you would like to call them that. People that usually don't have a car, don't have a job and essentially down on their luck someone that I need to support. All of my relationships and most of my companions have followed these traits. 

The thing is... I am a woman, that is going to be 25 years old in less than a month, that has a career and is essentially at a point in my life that I am ready for other events that usually come with age (marriage, children, etc.) But how is it I pick the same type? No matter what gender I chose and no matter how different they look... they turn into something hallow and I find myself trying to hold on to someone that does not want to be held on to. 

Now going back to relationships being a mirror image of yourself... I never realized how I viewed myself. How badly I view myself to be honest... have no respect for myself. I had no courage to speak and not care the consequences. I was told I was a "Queen" and I would laugh at the comment. I would just block out any words such as, amazing, beautiful, awesome, etc. If someone commented on my job, I would not take ownership of my accomplishments. It was like I had no gratitude for myself. I love myself but what about respect? self-worth has a whole new meeting. I never thought of anything but love when it came to it until now. Do I respect myself? 

I have done some amazing things in the short time I have been alive and even more brilliant things have occurred since I took this job. I have so much going for me and I can't see the amazement in that? Who I am as a human, I am kind, smart, funny and beautiful. I have a family that loves and supports me like no other. I have a great job that has given me so much (even if my paycheck doesn't show it). I should never care about if someone thinks I have a big head or like to show off once and  while. I should support myself in all of my endeavors. I should love and enjoy every minute of it and be proud that I accomplished something and not worry if someone finds me conceited. I know I am not conceited and I have never known myself to be a showoff, but why not celebrate one's self? 

Somewhere along the way, I figured it out... somewhere along the way, I am discovering myself in a new way. Someone reminded me that I said 2016 is all about me... and I thought for a second I lost that goal while being in a relationship but it was one of my stepping stones I needed for myself. For the first time, I ended it before I was too involved. I gave myself a chance. It did hurt and still hurts but I finally stood up for myself against changing myself, against mental abuse, against someone who did not deserve the type of person I am. I wear a crown, I am kind, I have a career and car, I have love in my heart, and I do not deserve anyone less than that.  

Somewhere along the way... I discovered something... I discovered a crown. For once something actually fits around my head and the jewels I wear are, love, respect, bravery and courage. 

Cheers to finding more pieces.