Braving Addiction

You go through your whole life knowing your family has a drug and alcohol problem. You try your best to stop yourself from making the same mistakes. I got blackout drunk once, and it scared me so badly I started getting smarter with my choices and being more responsible especially since I drive my friends to the bars. I have been given a roofie unknowingly and taught me a lot about the horrors you need to watch out for. It's a tough world with everything at your finger tips and everyone telling you, it will only be once or it won't hurt. But in the end they know it will, in the back of their minds. It's a tough world out here.

But so you go through this life... Thinking you are doing alright with your life and you don't have any issues. Until... You realize. That's all you have. And you find out that some of them even helped make you, or that is how you feel about it. Life swings these barriers and these traps and you see some of them but you don't get all of them. This is what I found out in 2015. I have a binge eating disorder and I also go from extremes to not wanting to eat and to eating a lot. I spent 3 months in a program and they were amazing and I met some pretty amazing women. That placed helped so much with a lot of things but I am still trying to ride out the waves alone sadly because I couldn't continue... It was just too stressful with my job. 

This discovery ended a 7 month relationship I had with a great girl. I felt distorted, and disconnected from everything and pushed her away because I knew in my head that if I didn't I would have hurt her a lot worse. I needed to work this out on my own. She doesn't understand but it was for the best for me. I'm at a low right now. She is better off without me, and deserves someone a lot better than me. I'm just a piece of shit trying to figure all this out. Trying to figure out me because the 'me' I thought I was all my life. The person that I knew, was taken over by this monster inside of me. My addiction, my self medication, my eating disorder. 

Lately my depression is at a very high level, it's not in a very good place but I try my best to keep it under-wraps with friends, family and at work. Along with this disorder came a few more things I needed to realize. I do have a slight binge problem with drinking, thought it was normal because it is only when I am social. I've been doing good in trying to watch it. But there is this other beast that I wish I had dealt with when I was in my program. Sex/Love... Looking for it in all the wrong places... And I know it's wrong because I don't tell anyone about it. I never thought about it as an addiction until this girl in my program was talking about it, her shame, discomfort... The others had felt the same too. I never wanted to come out and say it but I felt the same. At the time I was still in my last relationship so it wasn't a problem because I don't cheat. But after her, and the program. It got bad again. 

It really scares me that sometimes I can't control myself but then after I feel like crap for it. I'm not sure if I should be writing this and putting it out there but I'm really scared. I'm trying to stop because I really like this guy... It's something I haven't felt since high school. He can't fix me, nor do I want him to. But it would be nice to have someone to trust. Someone that doesn't just want sex but actually wants me. He's not perfect but I can't honestly tell you why I have feelings for him. It's everything about him. It's complicated with him though, he's scared too I think. So he chooses to keep his distance and so I keep my distance too because I don't want to scare him away. I'm trying to be patient which is hard for me. And I really hope if he ever reads this... It won't stop him from having me. I don't know why this hurts so much, I haven't been able to have this type of feeling and I am trying to own up to it. And somehow my heart decided to open to him which didn't even happen in my last relationship sadly... At least not all the way. I'm sorry if she is reading this too someday. 

Addiction is scary and I feel like if I tell someone and I really want it to be him... He's going to judge me or critize me and I am just going to crumble. I tried telling my mom, but she makes it seem like it's all in my head and figuratively speaking it is but I'm not making it up. And I think people forget that addiction doesn't mean just drugs or drinking there are many types of addictions that can be just as dangerous. 

So I am trying to rewrite and figure out all this... I thought I lost myself but really I never found myself. I was consumed by demons and didn't even know it until I had people throwing it in my face and saying, "look." 

It's hard in this world to stay an innocent soul. I never wanted to be like this... So I am trying to apologize to myself for putting myself through all this and I hope one day I can be proud of myself. 

This year is about being brave... 2016. I am here ready to fight for myself. Going to stand tall and try not to go into my addictions. I hope to recognize myself again as a person and not feel like such a piece of worthless shit. But in a world where you only have yourself sometimes... It's good to have yourself on your side. So here's to trying to be brave. 

Dear myself here is another update...

So I am trying something new. I am on a antidepressant now. My new doctor thinks this is a good move. Hopefully it is or she thinks I might have to quit my job. But I love my job even though it is really hard. But I am trying to start over again here.

1. I am going to church again, trying to reconnect with my God. I trying to really get a handle on this. 2. I am also trying to AGAIN get a handle on my weight. I know, I know, I should love myself the way I am and I do for the most part. But I know I just would like one day to know that I fought my binge eating disorder and won. My antidepressant is actually supposed to help with eating disorders so one can pray. The doc said that depression could have been my problem the whole time since I was a little girl. But anywho, this is what I have been changing.
3. I am not dating or seeing anyone until the right person comes along. I am not jumping into ANYTHING. I will be patient and wait.
4. Today I started to buy all, "clean" food, I will not be having a bunch of processed foods anymore. I want to be healthier. My doc also told me I need to cut back seriously on the carbs (THAT KILLS ME) because it is necessary for my health. (Surprisingly this is actually WAY cheaper)
5. I got a fitbit to help in making sure I stay on top of things and monitor my sleep, which I need.
6. I am not drinking as much on the weekends. I am trying to cut down the amount I drink.


I have a lot going on right now, but I feel like I could accomplish these things. I am trying to not let the darkness get to me that much. But sometimes that is all I see, so I am hoping these pills kick in. I am just trying to keep my faith in this troubling time for me and trying to look forward to all the different things I get to experiene this year.


In a few months I want to look back at this post and be so proud of myself or sticking with everything no matter what.


PS. My one play on here, I am using it in a show I am doing with mini skits! It was so cool to put something I wrong on a stage. Okay that is all. Bye :)

Rachelle Fernandez