I have come to realize...

I know I write about one guy in particular a lot... (the guy I was with for about 7 years on a off and still to this day affects me).

But a friend of mine asked me, "Why put so much in someone that was so wrong and treated you like you were just like every other girl in this world?"

And that just stuck with me today as I thought about it, it made a lot of sense... why do I do that to myself even though I know the outcome? Why did I allow myself to fall and become so frail in one man's shadow that frankly taught me the fucked up and tangled love.

Today was a little weird. I saw a friend that I have not spoken to in about 4 years. He was a great friend in high school but he, like me, let a man fuck him up. He let his boyfriend become his world and even dropped everyone around him, (that's something I didn't do but it actually happens a lot more than it should). But when my Grandfather died this year, his mother came to the funeral and gave me a letter saying he was sorry and to reconnect with him. Today was his brother's birthday, and both I and my friend got a chance to see what happens. He started crying and told me and my other friend (who was there, that he dropped also) that he was sorry. But over all today was interesting and fun, it was also strange cause I had not been at his parent's house since high school.

I finally got to tell him how he made me feel though since I was the last girl he dated before coming out. I got to tell him how he was my 4th grade crush and how I was so happy to finally get him my senior year of high school and go to prom with him and how two days later, he dumped me and told me he was gay. I still wish that things had turned out differently, but I am glad that he finally found out who he was but I just wish it wasn't at my expense, because my ego sort of took a little hit that day.

He found that same, fucked up love. The one that just turns you inside out and makes you question who you really are when they are done with you.

With Valentines coming up, that soreness becomes more apparent for me. Keeping busy helps but it still slightly stings. I talked to my ex, he still doesn't believe in Valentines day and I felt bad for his girl, and for the first time, happy that he broke up with me because I can have a chance one day at finding someone who actually cares 110%. So no matter how much I might write sad things, I feel that I am making some progress in my mental state.

That's all I got right now,
Rachelle Star